I’m not sure I know how to live in this world. I’m not sure I can do anything or be anyone to make much of a difference. Why does the word struggle try to escape from my mouth and my fingertips…why do I want to say I am struggling so often? Am I?
I returned from Colorado one week ago…in fact, I was at the Denver airport one week ago this morning. Waiting to board a plane back to Minnesota. I was looking forward to sleeping on a mattress once again, having been sleeping on Sara’s couch most nights. To stretch, to move about freely, to roll from side to side…yes, this was one of my anticipatory thoughts.
I have slept on the bed for a week. Yes, it was better than a couch, yet still not so comfortable. I’m always wanting comfort. In fact, I told Jamila I am going to buy a new twin mattress so I can have more comfort and more space and she called me yesterday and said Slumberland has pillow top mattresses on sale. So, am I going to go get one? Perhaps it would be at least good to check them out. Be very discerning though…and do not be taken in by the sales pitch…or the lack of one. As it would not be unusual to be ignored or even rejected.
Love. Love. Love.
So, in reading Henri Nouwen yesterday, I came across a section in this book that struck me well…struck me hard…fits…oh I don’t know what the word may be…but the book is Beyond the Mirror…and it is his testimony after a near death experience.
Page 53…
“My deep desire to be united with God through Jesus did not spring from disdain for human relationships but from an acute awareness of the truth that dying in Christ can be, indeed, my greatest gift to others. In this perspective, life is a long journey of preparation—of preparing oneself to truly die for others. It is a series of little deaths in which we are asked to release many forms of clinging and to move increasingly from needing others to living for them. The many passages we have to make as we grow from childhood to adolescence, from adolescence to adulthood, and from adulthood to old age offer ever-new opportunities to choose for ourselves or to choose for others. During these passages, questions such as: Do I desire power or service; do I want to be visible or remain hidden; do I strive for a successful career or do I keep following my vocation? Keep coming up and confront us with hard choices. In this sense, we can speak about life as a long process of dying to self, so that we will be able to live in the joy of God and give our lives completely to others.”
I could keep copying from this book. It is such a good book. This man’s writings touch me like no other…well, that is not completely true…but he does affect me. The thoughts written into word form touch me and speak to my heart so well. I am enamored. I am hopeful. I am hope filled. That someone walked this earth…someone other than Jesus. A man who was imperfect like me, was able to put into words those things that I have thought or those desires that I have had or continue to have...and it gives me hope that I am not alone…even though in fact I am…in physical fact…in emotional fact..I am alone.
I am not alone. I will never be again. I do not forget, that God loves us so much that He sent His one and only Son, that whosoever…yes, whosoever believeth…shall not perish, but shall have everlasting life.
Ahhhhhhh, I feel like crying…for while this is true…as I continue to read, as I continue to live, as I continue to walk out this life on earth with heaven in mind…there are so many more conditions I read of…but honestly, what it seems…what it is…is that it all comes down to love. His love. His love in me. His love for me. His love through me…and of course…the spirit inside reminds that it is not about me…but about Him…for His glory…and for the good of all those who are called according to His purposes.
