Oh No, Say it ain’t so!

Miley Cyrus bared her back…and now is embarrassed and parents are concerned…hmm, I was before she bared her back.

So many celebrities…so many say…of their love for Jesus…but then they tend to stray. I think I even heard once that Brittany and Oprah consider themselves Christians…and lovers of Jesus...and who am I to say...it ain't so.

It is easy to say that I love Jesus…but it is more difficult to live the life He directs me to live…which is to turn away from the things of the world and follow after Him…and yes, He can use those in the entertainment industry…but they tend to get swayed by the attention…and it is so unkind of the people of God to do the same to their leaders, their pastors, their priests just the same. It’s a set up…and this quote I read yesterday…helps me understand and try not to judge, but more often pray:

“Other people in the church must develop a more real­istic set of expectations about Christian leadership. In the past, they put so much faith in leaders that when they revealed a weakness it shattered their ability to trust. Such unrealistic expectations can only lead to dis­appointment because human idols always fall off the shelf”

I hear the echo… human idols always fall off the shelf… human idols always fall off the shelf… human idols always fall off the shelf…

Now I am compelled to tell of some personal pain…although I’ve forgiven…I think…it helps me understand to explain.

As a teen in a church…there was the pastors daughter…just a year older than I…oh so beautiful on the outside. The problem I saw…and experienced too…was that the inside was not so pretty as she was often mean and cruel. I recall after leaving the church hearing my mother say…that this pastors daughter was getting married to a navy man…now how nice that would be…I hoped that it would go well for her…but then my mother told me…the wedding was canceled the day before the event…as the groom had decided he couldn’t follow through…and while I know no more…I recalled my experience with her…and I was not walking with the Lord at the time…so I didn’t think to pray for her…although I’m certain my mother did.

Now the next story I tell is how my mom tried to help me. I was a mom with two babies, but my husband and I had separated. I was forlorn and downtrodden…and didn’t know where to turn. My mom sent me to see the pastor…a new one since I’d been there…and she assured me he would listen and advise with care. Now while I really didn’t want to go…I pushed past my doubts…and entered his office and shared of my life choices and sin…that had led me to the situation I was in…and all I recall…is that he recommended I find another place…to find a place where there were other people like me…who understood my situation. He said the couples in the church didn’t have the experience of this single motherhood or abuse…so all I heard him say…in his body language…we don’t want your kind…now please just go away.

Now the last story I’ll tell…I didn’t quite get it at the time. I was new in my faith…only a couple years along. I had the desire to hear a speaker I’d heard before…but I also knew I was needed to help with the Super Church planned for the children…so I went and served…cause it was the right thing to do…knowing I could purchase a tape of the sermon the next day. But when I went to buy a tape, I was told it was not being sold. And there was no more explanation than that from them. So I asked one of my friends who had been at the sermon…and she was evasive at best…and her other friend…that I thought was also a friend of mine…said to the one…don’t tell her anything…remember the pastor said it was only for those who were here…and later I confronted and asked why I couldn’t hear…and she said cause she was told not to tell. Now as I’m learning more about the kingdom of God and His plan…I have to wonder about a man of God who would tell a church to keep a secret? What was said? Why the mystery? What was revealed that had to remain hidden? I only know now…that those things that are hidden are dark…and now I wonder if there was/is darkness within this man of god…and I ask God to reveal…to this man…His truth and love. There are no secrets in the kingdom of God.

Hmmm…ok, one more story…I’d like to say it ain’t so…but as the light reveals the bugs and the not so nice things…I confess I am impatient and unkind many times…and licking my own wounds…instead of helping another…so I’m just saying…I’m imperfect…and I know those who know me already knew it…but I’m also so jubilant and filled with hope…that one day the whole /new created/complete woman of God will be seen more easily. He already says I’m am…I say , while I’d like to say my sins ain’t so…they are…but I’m also just sayin…

That the Lord is good and greatly to be praised

And while I wonder when I hear…I know I can only believe what the Lord tells me

And while I try not to gossip or talk to others about what I see…I’m sometimes unsuccessful

But then I have learned that the kingdom of heaven is light

And I have heard and believe nothing is hidden in the kingdom of God

The truth is plain for all to see

But so many, even leaders can become deceived

When they copy the behavior and customs of the world

Instead of letting God transform Him by the power of His Word

So they promote and they market…and they dream big visions

and leave the hurting outside the fold as they chase after this dream.

Yes, it’s true that there is no church that will ever be perfect…

But when the sin is hidden and covered instead of exposed.

Then the children of God are deceived and confused

And they wonder 'what’s wrong with me that this bothers me so'

Not understanding that the spirit of the Lord is so grieved

And not only for the lost but for those who proclaim to know the truth…but are truly in darkness…and are wounded

But the pain is covered…is hardened inside…so the wounded are ministering…and being elevated by the people idolizing worldly and godly folks…but I choose to only follow after Jesus…as He told…and forsake my desires…and pick up this cross he requires…and make a fool of myself if necessary in following after him...in exposing my own wickedness…and the light that comes from doing this.

So I end up with this…I have nothing but God…and if that’s all that I have…it’s all that I need…but as I give up my visions and dreams and my desires…he meets all those needs that I truly do need…which is in Him…which is His love, peace, joy, faith, kindness, gentleness…patience with me…yes all of the fruits that I cannot recall … all of them will manifest as I learn to only follow and obey only Him…and yes that requires that I have…a human in leadership that is following after the Father…and is also so real with his warts and his failings…that he doesn’t tell me to hide the filth…but to go to cross of Jesus…and let Him heal and release all the darkness…and bring me into the light…and be a part of and be in the community of Christ.

One more thing before I close…the link to the sermon that helped me to see…that though sometimes I think I’m crazy…I am becoming quite sane…in being led by the One and Only…who leads me again and again! And while I know that He leads each of us as we need…and this message may not be something you want to hear…or it may not apply…I’m just sayin…I’m sharing…in case you need to hear…what I heard…love ya, Carol.

http://media.whchurch.org/2008/2008-04-27_Boyd_What-Kind-of-Leadership_64kbps.mp3

Can you guess who I'm singing to?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut6xckTI40o

Only you can make this world seem right
Only you can make the darkness bright
Only you and you alone
can thrill me like you do
and fill my heart with love for only you

Only you can make this change in me
for it's true, you are my destiny
When you hold my hand
I understand the magic that you do

You're my dream come true
my one and only you

Only you can make this change in me
for it's true, you are my destiny
When you hold my hand
I understand the magic that you do

You're my dream come true
my one and only you

One and only you

Name-calling…labels?

Romans 12:2 is the verse that helped me as I did a couple swings on the emotion tree this week. The Father cares…and He has given instruction to help us in times of need. So…here goes. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect His will really is!

Last week on the school bus…the 8 students I picked up from school all sat in the back of the bus. As I was driving I could hear snippets of conversations…and when I looked in the mirror…it was evident some conflict was in process. I warned them all to stop whatever they were doing that was not appropriate…and went back to driving. When I was able to look in the mirror more fully at a traffic light, they seemed to have settled down…a bit. The ride was intense…it’s only a couple miles to the other school where some of these students transfer onto the bus that takes them home.

By the time we arrived at the other school…I wanted to know what had happened. I asked…and they all held their tongues. One girl came up to me and said they had been speaking profanity. I asked who…and she held her tongue. It was time for the students to transfer…so I decided I would ask the bus company to play back the tape…and it could be addressed that way.

So on the bus the next morning I told the students I had asked the bus company to look at the recorded tape…and then the school could handle the problem. Well, I was disappointed when my paperwork was returned to me that afternoon with the requirement that I write up reports for the students involved. I explained that I didn’t know who was at fault…thus my request. The bus company guy said he couldn’t turn in the report to the school without names. I was irritated…but I knew what I needed to do.

When I picked up the students the next morning…I told them that I would have to write up a report on each of the 8 students that had been riding the bus that afternoon...unless someone was willing to confess or tell me what happened. They all seemed downcast when they got off the bus.

When I picked up the students that afternoon…I told them they would all be sitting at the front of the bus from now on so I could hear what was going on. I could hear quite a bit of whispered discussion on the ride over to the other school. When we arrived…one young man said he was ready to confess…and he did.

He said what had started out with joking around ended up with him angry. He said one student had called him a coffee bean…so he responded and called him a marshmallow. Then another said he stood up for the first one…and another said he did too. And one young girl yelled…and they called you a marshmallow too…bus driver.

I talked to them about being kind to one another…and if someone calls you a name…it’s best to ignore or instruct. We can’t stop people from calling us names…but we can respond differently than they expect and we certainly don’t have to agree with them.

I said they could call me a marshmallow…since I am soft and white…and it doesn’t hurt my feelings. And I said I really like coffee…but I understand how it can be insulting for a Mexican to be called that…so told the young man who had used this term, not to do that again. And told them not to call any other student a marshmallow. And I also reminded them they would all have the privilege of sitting in the front half of the school bus for the rest of the school year…so I could monitor the conversations…and they could have the joy of sometimes hearing me sing:)

Now while that was quite an enlightening story…and I can see how prayer and study and requiring the truth…can help to deal with the conflict. What I find even more intriguing is my response to a name label I’ve re-received recently. When I first read this label I had a wry smile appear on my face, then later some irritation, then resolution…and the solution.

So what name could that be? Co-dependent…icky pooey…that is not a name I like at all…call me a marshmallow…but co-dependent…NO!

But over the past few days…I allowed myself to think about this a little more deeply (me? Thinking deeply? yep). Well, anyway…after reading some definitions online…and talking to my sister…I can admit that yes, I am co-dependent…but ah hem…I’m not the co-dependent person I was prior to today! Co-dependent brings up memories of failed relationships, dysfunctional family events, and the obsession I had with finding others to love me…but then pushing them away. Well, that was all pre-Jesus. And while I may be able to get that way again…I trust God to set me straight…and if I resist…well, honestly…with as much time as I spend with Him…that’s futile!

I am passionate about becoming a perfected daughter of the king…and I passionate about telling the truth and praying that deceit would not prevail. I am passionate about showing love … and of being in love with God, Jesus…and being led by the Holy Spirit…and to not only show this love to HIM…but those He loves, is in love with and whom is in love with me.

Honestly, some days I don’t even think I know what ‘being in love’ means…but I speak the Word of God as I was taught when new in my faith…”Now faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen (Heb 11)”. And boy oh boy…or girl oh girl…have I seen some things in the past few years…and a plethora of things in the past week! Whew!

Now…yes, I am co-dependent…I think we all are to some extent. And perhaps that is as it may be…because of where we all came from…and if you admit it…all of us had some bit(or a LOT) of dysfunction in our lives…that gives us a distorted view of people…either believing we are not good enough for them (which is generally my downfall)…or believing they are not good enough for us (and I admit, this can be me at times…not that I’m too good…but it’s too much work to try to love them). Ouch.

So, call me what you will…marshmallow…lazy…co-dependent…icky or sticky gooey…but I am working on calling you what He commands me to do…and that is to be in love with you…to first love God with all my heart, soul, and might…and then to love my neighbor as myself. I am confident in my love for the Father. I am getting so much better at loving myself…excuse me for a minute…I need to give myself a hug:)…and also I am learning to love each of you just as you are…and sometimes that comes out in my feeling in love…whatever that means…and sometimes it comes out as choosing to love…cause I honestly don’t feel it and am unable to express it…and sometimes I get confused and think that just because I love someone…they will love me back…and so I guess that would be the co-dependency?

Enough said…may not be correct…but it’s what I know today.

Love ya…yep I do…I’m in love with Him…He’s in love with me…and that helps me to be in love with you…so there!

Carol.

The whitehead, the pimple and the boil

SINCE TIME AS A TEENAGER BEGAN…a long time ago…I have at different times and in different seasons and for most likely dietary reasons…had to deal with some ‘stuff’ that appeared on my face. Most recently on the side of my waist…but let me stop that thought trail as I’m getting ahead of myself.

LIKE I SAID ALREADY…it was a long time ago, that these things started happening on my face. And I have learned how to handle them well. With a whitehead it’s really so simple. Just keep my face clean…and when that’s not enough…then if a whitehead appears…just give a little squeeze or apply some pressure…and usually it just releases quickly…I wash my hands and my face…and though there may be a little redness…it doesn’t last long.

NOW A PIMPLE IS DIFFERENT…it seems to begin with some pain. And even though my face is very clean…a hardness may appear on my nose, chin or eyebrow or forehead or cheek…and this pimple that is so hard…sometimes hurts very bad…it becomes red and inflamed…it may hurt bad for some time…before it finally comes to a head…then can release all the infection…but sometimes it takes time even after coming to a head…for the infection to clear up…and while I continue to clean my face…it may take several weeks before it’s completely healed and gone from sight…but until that time comes…I sometimes try to cover it up…with some makeup or colored lotion…but really, it’s still visible.

NOW THE BOIL ON THE SIDE of my body was new to me…last summer I noticed a hard, red area on my side…at first I didn’t pay much attention to it…but eventually asked for advice…and my family said it might be a boil, so I made a doctors appointment.

AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE…they told me some long drawn out name for the sore. But when I asked if it was a boil…they said it could be…but they couldn’t say for sure…but asked me to take a round of antibiotics and come back after I finished them…and they would let me know.

SO I TOOK ALL THE MEDICINE…but the pain only got worse…and I looked up the name of what the doctor said it was…on the Internet. What I gathered from my research…was this thing was most likely a boil…and they sometimes go away on their own…but other times need more than avoidance.

SO I RETURNED to the doctor after finishing my round of antibiotics…and the ‘boil’ was much worse and he said they would have to lance it, and squeeze out the pus and pack it with medicated gauze…and I would need to take another round of antibiotics.

SO I SAID GO AHEAD…do what must be done…oh how naïve I can sometimes be…not realizing what was coming. Perhaps that is best…because although the lancing was painful…the squeezing of the boil…brought the most excruciating physical pain that I had experienced since childbirth…and I tried not to cry…I put my fist in my mouth…but the screams in my throat sometimes escaped…and the tears would not be restrained…oh how pain filled it was…to have that pus removed…and the doctor was kind and apologetic…but said it must be done.

WELL THEY SENT ME AWAY…with kind words and another round of medicine...with instruction to return to them in a matter of time. When I returned the doctor said…he would have to squeeze the wound again…and as the memory of the pain was so fresh…the tears rolled down my face before he even touched the wound. And yes it was painful again…but it was necessary…and they packed it with medicated gauzed and I left…with the instruction to complete the round of antibiotics then return…and I did as they said…and when I returned….he said they’d done all they could do…now it just needed to be kept clean…and given time to heal.

SO WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THIS TALK…of whiteheads, pimples and boils? The Lord reminded me of this…when I share so much of myself …and also why it’s difficult sometimes when I’ve thought I’ve already gone over this…but apparently it is because we live in an unclean world…infections and infectious diseases sometimes take over. And I wonder if I hadn’t dealt with the boil by getting help…from a professional…would the disease have spread…and maybe even spread to another?

AND WHAT I SEE FROM ALL THIS ANALOGY…is that no matter who we are…and no matter how clean we seem…that if we are infected and the infection is as hard as a rock…and the poison hurts or not…but is only avoided or covered up…it might go away on it’s own…or perhaps hurt someone else…so if there’s hardness that needs a squeezing…perhaps the Lord is leading…to get professional help…or to just hug each other more often…squeezing our love to each other…and if pus comes out…don’t be put off too much…just remind them that although…it might hurt right now…it must be done…and while we are sorry for sure…it is kinder to love and it is best to get the inside cleaned out…and then give the wound time for healing.

AND I’M REMINDED ONCE AGAIN OF JESUS’ WALK ON EARTH …He exposed the pride filled, self-righteous and sinful hearts of the Pharisee’s…who looked clean on the outside…but what was on the inside…was poisonous, hateful…a hardness of heart…and they belittled or debated or argued with Him…and then demanded that He be crucified. And yes, although this was necessary to cover our sin…I wonder if we’d only obeyed from the start…and had only Fear of God…and not the fear of man…would that still have had to happen?

Unable to remember...but I begin again...

I wish I could remember and capture the wonder filled prose

or is it only sing song in my head that I should call this I suppose

but I’ve lost it already although it came out oh so well

as I woke from my nap but now I must drive away

so I try to now capture something else in my head

but it doesn’t seem possible and it isn’t what I had

so I must just let it go

even though it was so lovely oh

and I wanted to share it with

those who like to hear me speak the truth

and the truth that it was

and the truth it still is

is that no matter what’s going on

I hope that you’re always His

there are so many lies

that would try to dispel

all the love that He has for us

but I know now so well

that to believe the lie

and to do what the lie says

only brings so much pain

but when I do what the still voice says…

then there is life…there is peace

there is hope there is joy

then there is life…there is peace

there is hope there is joy

oh yes this I repeat and repeat

because the solution to life

is not in all that I say or do

it’s for me to do as He would do

and in doing my all

for the Lord of my life

whether writing or resting or driving or living

whether singing or knitting or sitting or walking

or running or sunning or moving or dancing…

it is that I do this…

what the Father tells me to

and when I can’t hear His voice

it's because I'm full of myself.

Oh the problem...

Oh the problem of loving so

despite all the long suffering pain

oh the challenge of loving those

who are distant and disdained...

Oh the joy of believing in the love of the Lord

and not only receiving a titch of the sword

but the problem of loving those

has revealed itself so...

There’s the problem of loving myself

who would have it just so

but I find as I love those and myself

that there's reception at times...

And the problems just disappear in a matter of time

but the problems appear again

as I expect more of myself and of them ...

And the problem of loving I soon realize

is no problem at all unless by my eyes

for the solution to loving is from the Lord of all

and the joy of just loving as is, is best of all...

And the desire to have something else

is really not love at all

but the problem of me

is that while I can so easily see

that I can love anybody...

but when the love is not returned

I question my worth

and while my worth is not in question

since I was made by God in heaven

it’s a problem with a solution

and the solution is to love the only One

who created me in my mothers womb

and who has all my days planned

so in going to the Father

I can be loved as I am

so I see there’s no problem.

He assures me of this

As I love as well as I’m able

His grace covers all my inadequacy.

Well the wonder of knowing why I love so many so

oh the joy of learning that it’s ok and that His way is best

and even though I feel some shame

at least my shame is not in life long pain

of shaming myself to those who would use me

but the shame is more in choosing to teach me

the shame is not shame at all…

but this is the word I know

to explain blood that rushes to my face

and the tears that fall down my face

so the longings that are so real

is not really for any one man

except the man of the Lord

in the person of Jesus Christ.

In the answer to the quote that I read this morning from a woman who learned to write in her later years of life…after losing her husband after many lovely years of love…she said “there’s nothing wrong with me that having a man in love with me wouldn’t cure”

And it’s good and so blessed to know who that man is that is in love with me…is the man of the Father, the man of Himself, the God man is Jesus Christ that loves me just as I am.

Is it proper to love a man…is it proper to show…is it proper to speak of love …with all whom I feel it so?

These are questions I ask myself as I ponder and sometimes weep…but I also do take the risk…yes I also do say the truth…and trust the Lord to show the man…who I am behind all the pain and smiles…and weight…and maybe even on this earth…there might be a man who would see my worth…and the Father would tell Him to marry me…and love me just as I am…the heart of this woman is full to the max…but is willing to take more in…and would like to share what she has…but I’d rather stay single than to be with the wrong man…cause I’ve already tried that too many times…in my own conniving rhyme.

So who knows as I live my life…where this precious man of god…might just see me and hear from God…"No, she’s not perfect but she’s worth your love…she’ll respect you and love you and give all she can…and again…she’s not perfect…but she’s part of my plan…my plan to encourage you and send you out to serve…all of those who are waiting for your obedience to me."