I sometimes struggle and strain…you know, you’ve seen it in writings…that I share…and I come out on top…or out of the cocoon…and see the beauty and freedom I can enjoy as I seek Him…and you’ve seen this also…in my writings…and some of those of you…in my life…but only if I share.
But this morning…in fact each day for the past few weeks…I have been getting revelations of truth as I read, pray and seek. And while the revelation is not untrue…my immaturity is revealed…sometimes a bit later when I feel some conviction…but like Peter I see…I am imbalanced at times…and impulsive…and zealous to stand up and fight. But the Lord is teaching me…and shouldn’t I have already learned this? That Jesus did not come with a sword…yes, the old covenant was the sword many times…but Jesus continually served and taught and was compassionate with the hurting…and sometimes spoke harsh words to those who would try to hurt Him…but He never picked up the sword. In fact we know what He did…do we not…He went to the cross.
When Peter proclaimed he would never deny Him, When Peter proclaimed he would never let the death of Jesus happen, when Peter picked up the sword…and cut off the ear of a soldier at the garden where they came to take Jesus away to be crucified…Jesus rebuked him and told Peter to put away the sword…and healed the enemies wound…and went with them…cause He knew what He must do…and He told us too…prior to this He’d been teaching them…in order to follow after Him…they would have to deny themselves…and to pick up the cross…and follow after Him. And when I think I understand…but then I pick up the sword…when I see a loved one hurt…I see like Peter in my zealous, righteous anger I feel…that I lash out and try to protect with the sword…when in fact…Jesus told me what to do…and that is to go to the cross…and to die to my way of thinking…and to just love…just forgive them for they know not what they do…and hopefully they will learn to forgive me…in my ignorance too.
It is finished…the sacrifice of Jesus is complete…He suffered, He died, He remained in the grave…for three days…but death could not hold Him…He defeated the enemy and death with our sins…and He’s alive and lives in the hearts of those who choose Him.
So I follow after Him…in my weaknesses and foibles…and I speak out as much as I know to do…but now I look for the rebuke…and pray for His grace and mercy…to fine tune this work of art…He tells me I’m a master piece…but I’m not finished yet…and I’m not boldly proclaiming…cause today I am tired…and yes, I’m so thankful for understanding…but I still cannot deny unforgiveness I carry for abusers of women…and abusers of men…and even after they repent…I grieve for the damage they have caused in their tyranny…but I am required to forgive…it is what is best for me…and you…and the abuser too. And but for the grace of God…there go I…I have been an abuser too.
My dear loved ones…beloved…some of you may think I am thinking specifically of you as I write…and I am…and I am not. I am thinking mostly of the text in Joshua this morning…all the bloody killing that the Lord commanded…the Old Testament…but also of the new covenant…the blood of Jesus…and the cross…it did away with the old…and now we are new. He has given us a new heart, a heart of flesh. He has told us to not put new wine into old wineskins…I never understood this before…but basically today I see…and my seeing is still incomplete…is that I must stop abusing myself…and expecting too much of others and judging others by their past. It does not mean I have to be in relationship with them…but I am required to forgive…and love…and give them new wine…and see their new skins. If anyone has the desire or ability to explain this to me…or yes, even correct me…I would gladly and hopefully graciously receive this.
Also, I sometimes have the thought…oh I wish I could take all my words back…because as I learn more…I see more clearly…but I now realize…this moment…that if I didn’t share my thoughts, my defects, my weaknesses, my proclamations…no one would know who was on the inside of this sometimes polished…many times unpolished body…and it is only in exposing my joy and sorrow and struggles…that I am getting the healing needed. Why me? Why now? Why you? Why Peter? I don’t know for sure…but I know God wants us whole and more centered on Him and others…and in balance.
Oh to remove those writings of immaturity…but that I could? If Peter were here today…would he want the same? I hope not…cause I learn so much …we can learn so much and so much more by humbly looking at their failings…and then seeing ours…it is so difficult sometimes…but it is needed…in fact in order to be effective…and compassionate…and humble…it is required.
Last, but perhaps not least…a couple songs that keep going through my head…and I must stress…the words have been changed to not disparage anyone or myself…
But…
Shame, shame shame,
Shame, shame, shame
Shame, shame, shame…….
Carol, you fool…(to the tune of Aretha Franklin’s …song of Chains)
Then the Lord’s response to me…
Oh Carol, you are not a fool
Darling I love you, though you’re sometimes cruel
You hurt me…when you turn away
Oh Carol…I am here always.
Though yes you may act foolish
Please don’t ever fear
Darling you will always be my sweetheart
For I love you so
Don’t ever leave me
Say you’ll never go
Say there will never be another
For I love you so
Carol I love you
This you must always know
The Neil Sedaka version…is about a Carol…even a Carol I’ve admired…but his desire for her is immature…and need I say co-dependent? Eh hem…yes my friend. And I am learning…that the deepest longing of my heart…as I don’t stuff my desires…with food or other forms of escape…is that while it would be/could be a wondrous thing to have a man desire my person…he can’t meet those deepest longings for belonging…only the Fathers love truly can…and in community…and in relationship…and in learning to be real is the only way to be more often in His will.
Love you,
Carol Queen Eileen…
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