December 11th

I need You Lord I need You
Every hour I need You.

This song came to me
as I was crying out to God
feeling trapped by dark choices
dark, mixed crap in beauty
there is no beauty in deceit
there is no beauty in enabling another
to live as they please
leaving carnage and mess for others
to suffer and/or clean up.

Later the same day...

short tempered
blunt - abrupt
mean spirited? no
but quick to lose patience.

a child, slow-witted?
says she lost her backpack on the bus this morn
others, girl students, stop to help
only holding up the line
blocking the departure of all behind
is not helpful, only slowing things down.

just go - get off the bus
but have a good day
I'm taking care of this
ugh, how rude I must be

I must apologize to these few
oh well, they left
I searched the bus for the backpack
with the one who said she lost
no back pack found?
she was wearing it when she got on the bus
in the afternoon
what was lost was found
yet not in the place thought.

December 10th

So little writing
so much reading
but really not so much
too much eating
lots of social time
but also going to be
alone.

Glen Lake school
Drew and Jack came out first
it's so cold
I want to turn the bus on.

My fingers so cold
here come some more students
time to stop writing
and close the door.

December 7th

A small car ran my stoparm
I wrote a report to report to the state of MN
I'll turn it in
Is that wicked?
No.

How about me?
I run the stop sign of food to eat
Who's going to turn me in?
Is it wicked? perhaps.
Gluttonous, yes.

A better understanding of intimacy? It is not only in knowing, but in belonging to Jesus. Obeying, Trusting, Believing, Jesus.

December started in with a bang.
I've disappointed another as I've been.
So alike we can be
I suppose in fact
another thinks they know more of me
than reality
that to have read or heard
is only a glimpse
into me
into you
into Jesus

What I've said and what's said about me
that's just my press at times
but to know me is to converse
often conversation
converse
not one way talk or one way listen.

I guess that's why
I don't feel like I have any intimate relations
with anyone
for long
because the balance of communication
and the time spent together
is really not there
for long.

An admiration
an offer of a gift
a couple checks or cash
to encourage movement
yet continual support
or actual follow through on words
not there for long
or at all.

Perhaps the time is now I said,
to examine and repent.

Examine how I relate with these and those
repenting for my part
my faults are many
my sin has been unforgiveness
and looking to another to meet my expectations
too often and too long
then to give up completely
as in a pitiful state
perception leads to the belief
that the world and even the church
has so often has given up on too many.

To sustain to relate
to one or another
it is difficult it is true
I even think now of others
who share bits of their lives
who give kind words at times
but when time rolls around
again and again
they're no where to be found or unresponsive.

This is to be an exam of me, not another
Where do I begin?
I think there's always been some jealousy
mixed with being treated as a pawn, puppy or even clown.
I rarely spoke out as I wanted to be loved.
honestly, was loved at times
with as much as the other had received
which in many cases was not much
hmmmm, this is of I too, I speak.

Perceptions, wrong?
Perceptions, what to believe?
I used to think I had good intuition
yet I've found
many times
my perceptions are so wrong indeed.

Childhood neglect
Children alone
raising themselves
as dad drank a lot
dad worked a lot
dad went crazy
and abused himself
and others I heard
and even saw some
mom cried a lot
mom ran a lot
mom talked a lot
taught some
not enough to teach me
to teach me not to go
down a path of destructive behavior myself.

Same with my siblings
yet their journey not the same
I acquiesced
I bowed down
I hid or ran
At times stood up and fought
At times stayed in a cave
At times excelled in world standards
Sometimes pushed back
Sometimes avoided outward pain
Sometimes appeared to escape
but escaped into a different kind of pain.
Hmmm, perhaps our stories and experiences in this world
have basically...all been somewhat the same.

Extremes...
Immoderate...
extremes in relations...
extremes in consumption...
extremes in emotions...
extremes in solutions...
extremes in so many ways...
risks taken
harm taken
solutions received
but not always the best
for anyone concerned
am I talking of all or just me?

I could put on a mask
say all the right things
those things that would please
those things that are full of humor and fun
then the welcome remains
the conflict only within
but that is the old me
I am now a new creation.

So do I go digging?
Do I dig up the past?
It's full of excrement as well as sweet times
I like to focus on those sweet memories
even those so long ago
but I suppose if the memory begins to stink
then that would invite a look
and asking the Lord
to help me sort out
the sweet from the stink.

It pains me when I am unable to be
much help to anyone
including me

but the truth is I am a stinky sinner
unless and until I repent each day
as a stinking thought is clung to
instead of a flush
instead of a bath
instead of a baptism completely under water

Ah yes, rejoicing in Jesus
Praising the Lord
examination and supplication
repentance and forgiveness
not now and then
continually as needed

The truth is
I am learning to fear God more each day
as I say or do things that are not pleasing to Him...
and admit and ask forgiveness
as I say or do things that are pleasing to Him
it is not always easy, but always best
and it is healing to be real
and it is good to share
with those who care
and perhaps even relate even a bit
it is intimacy in writing
that I have had most often
it is intimacy with God that is increasing
it is intimacy with His people I am open to
as truly...intimacy is defined in one place I found...
as a close or warm friendship
Close not in proximity
Warm not as in weather related
But an intimate friendship of sorts
and a trust that the Lord
is being revered by each as we converse...pray.

Granny dream

Live in granny
rock my babies
watch input
refine output
increase godly input
teach respect
how to deal with all the disses of life
how to live together unified

A Place, A Home

I desire to be available as needed
yet I need a free place to live
and I have this
yet not enough space to spread out
or take in more

In this place I would contribute if I could
credit, we have none
what about a program
to make a home
in a community or neighborhood
where I could host Bible studies and be
a house of prayer
and serve others

Again, I have this already
yet is it enough?

Reflections of November 27th, My Lord is near and here

My Lord

I see how human effort
sneaks in and tries to overwhelm
by doing anything at all
without continually calling on God
brings lack of peace
and lack of joy.

So now I recall
my Lord is near
and here
and here--

not messing with me
but encouraging me
I love You, Jesus
always and now
give me direction
energy and selection.

Reflections of a funeral in November

Home after Janet's
funeral and repass
was asked to sing
and agreed--
The Lord's prayer
and a song of Shalom,
peace.

Mila and I arrived
5 minutes early
to 35th and Bryant
North--

it's only residential
no church in sight
Jamila called Ray
go south--

Bryant Avenue South
got on Lyndale headed south
pulled over to let Mila drive
so I could practice my songs without distraction.

On 35W traffic stopped
went some
but long stops in between.

Made it to the church more than 20 minutes later

Sat down in a pew
listened for a few
the obit was read
some testimonies given
so wonderful indeed
and humor too--

Then the minister spoke
then released the congregation--

No song sung
no notice given
I told Mila
it was only willingness required of me
would I do as they asked?
of course, for Janet.

So proud of my children
first one, then the other
and Jamila surprised me
when she said she would speak
as she'd said just a few moments earlier
when I asked
no, she didn't like publicly speaking--

But, she waited her turn behind a rambling man
and she spoke so truly
of who grandma was
spending time with her
taught her to accept
show mercy and forgive--

Ah yes, even this
prompted aunt Carolyn
to say to forgive
and then Clifton told a story of
how when Janet's purse was snatched
shortly after cashing a check
a couple young men had seen
and they chased down that young man and beat him
they made him return Janet's cash in person--

And the story goes
Janet did not rebuke or shame him
but took him under her wing
she was a woman of compassion--

But was this a true story?
or embellished and grown
God only knows
God only knows

I loved this woman
I believe she loved God
As much as she knew how
Yet by seeing some bitter and un-mature fruit
so hard, so sour
God only knows
God only knows

I love her still
and love her fruit
and the fruit of the Lord
that is sending the sun, rain, and tillers...
so that THE SON could be seen in the lives of these and those
who saw such mercy and compassion in this woman
when in fact...it is the love of God that truly
has unending compassion and is The Truth.

Reflections of attendance to meeting for Women on Fire in November

Long drive
Late start
Letting down
Leaving the day behind
Is taking soooooo long.

Neck and back still stiff
Thoughts of You
Float in and out
As I listen to
The worship songs.

Now is the time
To hear some testimonies
Leave me be
Leave me be
Leave me behind
It's not me indeed
I am relieved
It is His love cleansing me
from the inside out.