A better understanding of intimacy? It is not only in knowing, but in belonging to Jesus. Obeying, Trusting, Believing, Jesus.

December started in with a bang.
I've disappointed another as I've been.
So alike we can be
I suppose in fact
another thinks they know more of me
than reality
that to have read or heard
is only a glimpse
into me
into you
into Jesus

What I've said and what's said about me
that's just my press at times
but to know me is to converse
often conversation
converse
not one way talk or one way listen.

I guess that's why
I don't feel like I have any intimate relations
with anyone
for long
because the balance of communication
and the time spent together
is really not there
for long.

An admiration
an offer of a gift
a couple checks or cash
to encourage movement
yet continual support
or actual follow through on words
not there for long
or at all.

Perhaps the time is now I said,
to examine and repent.

Examine how I relate with these and those
repenting for my part
my faults are many
my sin has been unforgiveness
and looking to another to meet my expectations
too often and too long
then to give up completely
as in a pitiful state
perception leads to the belief
that the world and even the church
has so often has given up on too many.

To sustain to relate
to one or another
it is difficult it is true
I even think now of others
who share bits of their lives
who give kind words at times
but when time rolls around
again and again
they're no where to be found or unresponsive.

This is to be an exam of me, not another
Where do I begin?
I think there's always been some jealousy
mixed with being treated as a pawn, puppy or even clown.
I rarely spoke out as I wanted to be loved.
honestly, was loved at times
with as much as the other had received
which in many cases was not much
hmmmm, this is of I too, I speak.

Perceptions, wrong?
Perceptions, what to believe?
I used to think I had good intuition
yet I've found
many times
my perceptions are so wrong indeed.

Childhood neglect
Children alone
raising themselves
as dad drank a lot
dad worked a lot
dad went crazy
and abused himself
and others I heard
and even saw some
mom cried a lot
mom ran a lot
mom talked a lot
taught some
not enough to teach me
to teach me not to go
down a path of destructive behavior myself.

Same with my siblings
yet their journey not the same
I acquiesced
I bowed down
I hid or ran
At times stood up and fought
At times stayed in a cave
At times excelled in world standards
Sometimes pushed back
Sometimes avoided outward pain
Sometimes appeared to escape
but escaped into a different kind of pain.
Hmmm, perhaps our stories and experiences in this world
have basically...all been somewhat the same.

Extremes...
Immoderate...
extremes in relations...
extremes in consumption...
extremes in emotions...
extremes in solutions...
extremes in so many ways...
risks taken
harm taken
solutions received
but not always the best
for anyone concerned
am I talking of all or just me?

I could put on a mask
say all the right things
those things that would please
those things that are full of humor and fun
then the welcome remains
the conflict only within
but that is the old me
I am now a new creation.

So do I go digging?
Do I dig up the past?
It's full of excrement as well as sweet times
I like to focus on those sweet memories
even those so long ago
but I suppose if the memory begins to stink
then that would invite a look
and asking the Lord
to help me sort out
the sweet from the stink.

It pains me when I am unable to be
much help to anyone
including me

but the truth is I am a stinky sinner
unless and until I repent each day
as a stinking thought is clung to
instead of a flush
instead of a bath
instead of a baptism completely under water

Ah yes, rejoicing in Jesus
Praising the Lord
examination and supplication
repentance and forgiveness
not now and then
continually as needed

The truth is
I am learning to fear God more each day
as I say or do things that are not pleasing to Him...
and admit and ask forgiveness
as I say or do things that are pleasing to Him
it is not always easy, but always best
and it is healing to be real
and it is good to share
with those who care
and perhaps even relate even a bit
it is intimacy in writing
that I have had most often
it is intimacy with God that is increasing
it is intimacy with His people I am open to
as truly...intimacy is defined in one place I found...
as a close or warm friendship
Close not in proximity
Warm not as in weather related
But an intimate friendship of sorts
and a trust that the Lord
is being revered by each as we converse...pray.