And in sharing, does it matter if one, two, many or none would read a word that is shared. It seems it has mattered on those days when I desired a response. It seems to have mattered too often for too many years.
And today?
Am I hiding my lamp on a web page? One or none may come to read.
But is what I write light? Not necessarily or at least, not always.
There is continually that judgment of self...and such a desire to be clear, open, and even understood.
But to have learned over the years, that one understands, yet another does not.
That two may read and appreciate, although another does not.
That some may read, but most may just delete...or file away without ever reading...or some even enjoy reading my writings, yet do not read until a much later time than I had intended...and all of this makes me realize...it is not imperative that many or any read, know, understand...it is only best that I obey the urge to write...as is it is what teaches me best...today.
It is quite humbling...quite revealing...yes, quite needed.
So, the process of writing is necessary to my health.
So the process of sharing also has a place at this time.
And the process continues as I learn when to share and when to not.
And the process continues as I learn to speak (write) or remain silent (public or private).
This process of writing has taught me many things...and one thing is this:
That when I belittle or berate myself too much, it is good to instead just stop and examine myself...
Examine my thoughts, my motives, my attitudes, and my response to others...and then...
Confess, repent, ask forgiveness and receive such...
As the Lord is not through with me yet...oh no, He is not through with me yet.
His grace is sufficient and even more than enough to keep me in this process.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Too Many Perceived Needs
There truly seem to be things we need. Income, transportation, shelter, food, opportunities to meet with others and communicate.
Then there are those things I think I need. Coffee, quiet, respect.
Along with these perceived needs, I find the need for new tires, new mattress, favorite cuisines, family and friends to respond to my requests for fellowship.
But in reality, there is only One thing I need...and Mary, Martha's sister demonstrated this need and practice...to sit at the feet of Jesus.
Suffering and illnesses come upon us, yet He is the healer. Storms threaten and even crash on our shores, yet He speaks a word and calms them. Death occurs, yet He is the resurrection power and new life begins again.
I am certain I will perceive a need again that is not necessarily needed...and I pray I will remember and turn to Him again and again to allay that feeling.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Want of comforts...
I’m not sure I know how to live in this world. I’m not sure I can do anything or be anyone to make much of a difference. Why does the word struggle try to escape from my mouth and my fingertips…why do I want to say I am struggling so often? Am I?
I returned from Colorado one week ago…in fact, I was at the Denver airport one week ago this morning. Waiting to board a plane back to Minnesota. I was looking forward to sleeping on a mattress once again, having been sleeping on Sara’s couch most nights. To stretch, to move about freely, to roll from side to side…yes, this was one of my anticipatory thoughts.
I have slept on the bed for a week. Yes, it was better than a couch, yet still not so comfortable. I’m always wanting comfort. In fact, I told Jamila I am going to buy a new twin mattress so I can have more comfort and more space and she called me yesterday and said Slumberland has pillow top mattresses on sale. So, am I going to go get one? Perhaps it would be at least good to check them out. Be very discerning though…and do not be taken in by the sales pitch…or the lack of one. As it would not be unusual to be ignored or even rejected.
Love. Love. Love.
So, in reading Henri Nouwen yesterday, I came across a section in this book that struck me well…struck me hard…fits…oh I don’t know what the word may be…but the book is Beyond the Mirror…and it is his testimony after a near death experience.
Page 53…
“My deep desire to be united with God through Jesus did not spring from disdain for human relationships but from an acute awareness of the truth that dying in Christ can be, indeed, my greatest gift to others. In this perspective, life is a long journey of preparation—of preparing oneself to truly die for others. It is a series of little deaths in which we are asked to release many forms of clinging and to move increasingly from needing others to living for them. The many passages we have to make as we grow from childhood to adolescence, from adolescence to adulthood, and from adulthood to old age offer ever-new opportunities to choose for ourselves or to choose for others. During these passages, questions such as: Do I desire power or service; do I want to be visible or remain hidden; do I strive for a successful career or do I keep following my vocation? Keep coming up and confront us with hard choices. In this sense, we can speak about life as a long process of dying to self, so that we will be able to live in the joy of God and give our lives completely to others.”
I could keep copying from this book. It is such a good book. This man’s writings touch me like no other…well, that is not completely true…but he does affect me. The thoughts written into word form touch me and speak to my heart so well. I am enamored. I am hopeful. I am hope filled. That someone walked this earth…someone other than Jesus. A man who was imperfect like me, was able to put into words those things that I have thought or those desires that I have had or continue to have...and it gives me hope that I am not alone…even though in fact I am…in physical fact…in emotional fact..I am alone.
I am not alone. I will never be again. I do not forget, that God loves us so much that He sent His one and only Son, that whosoever…yes, whosoever believeth…shall not perish, but shall have everlasting life.
Ahhhhhhh, I feel like crying…for while this is true…as I continue to read, as I continue to live, as I continue to walk out this life on earth with heaven in mind…there are so many more conditions I read of…but honestly, what it seems…what it is…is that it all comes down to love. His love. His love in me. His love for me. His love through me…and of course…the spirit inside reminds that it is not about me…but about Him…for His glory…and for the good of all those who are called according to His purposes.
I returned from Colorado one week ago…in fact, I was at the Denver airport one week ago this morning. Waiting to board a plane back to Minnesota. I was looking forward to sleeping on a mattress once again, having been sleeping on Sara’s couch most nights. To stretch, to move about freely, to roll from side to side…yes, this was one of my anticipatory thoughts.
I have slept on the bed for a week. Yes, it was better than a couch, yet still not so comfortable. I’m always wanting comfort. In fact, I told Jamila I am going to buy a new twin mattress so I can have more comfort and more space and she called me yesterday and said Slumberland has pillow top mattresses on sale. So, am I going to go get one? Perhaps it would be at least good to check them out. Be very discerning though…and do not be taken in by the sales pitch…or the lack of one. As it would not be unusual to be ignored or even rejected.
Love. Love. Love.
So, in reading Henri Nouwen yesterday, I came across a section in this book that struck me well…struck me hard…fits…oh I don’t know what the word may be…but the book is Beyond the Mirror…and it is his testimony after a near death experience.
Page 53…
“My deep desire to be united with God through Jesus did not spring from disdain for human relationships but from an acute awareness of the truth that dying in Christ can be, indeed, my greatest gift to others. In this perspective, life is a long journey of preparation—of preparing oneself to truly die for others. It is a series of little deaths in which we are asked to release many forms of clinging and to move increasingly from needing others to living for them. The many passages we have to make as we grow from childhood to adolescence, from adolescence to adulthood, and from adulthood to old age offer ever-new opportunities to choose for ourselves or to choose for others. During these passages, questions such as: Do I desire power or service; do I want to be visible or remain hidden; do I strive for a successful career or do I keep following my vocation? Keep coming up and confront us with hard choices. In this sense, we can speak about life as a long process of dying to self, so that we will be able to live in the joy of God and give our lives completely to others.”
I could keep copying from this book. It is such a good book. This man’s writings touch me like no other…well, that is not completely true…but he does affect me. The thoughts written into word form touch me and speak to my heart so well. I am enamored. I am hopeful. I am hope filled. That someone walked this earth…someone other than Jesus. A man who was imperfect like me, was able to put into words those things that I have thought or those desires that I have had or continue to have...and it gives me hope that I am not alone…even though in fact I am…in physical fact…in emotional fact..I am alone.
I am not alone. I will never be again. I do not forget, that God loves us so much that He sent His one and only Son, that whosoever…yes, whosoever believeth…shall not perish, but shall have everlasting life.
Ahhhhhhh, I feel like crying…for while this is true…as I continue to read, as I continue to live, as I continue to walk out this life on earth with heaven in mind…there are so many more conditions I read of…but honestly, what it seems…what it is…is that it all comes down to love. His love. His love in me. His love for me. His love through me…and of course…the spirit inside reminds that it is not about me…but about Him…for His glory…and for the good of all those who are called according to His purposes.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Accountability - Part 2
So, after completing Day 15 at the Lord’s Table…the encouragement I received from the automatic email response into my inbox as soon as I submitted my lesson…said this at the end: “It is imperative to keep in close, transparent contact with one or more other Christians…You might want to establish a local accountability partner…We pray that you are able to apply this vital principle of freedom.”
Yesterday, I watched a short bit of The Passion, to get a grip on the pride in my heart. And it starts out with Jesus in the garden…wrestling intensely in prayer…and his disciples sleeping…and the enemy speaking lies…to try to stop Him from doing the will of God. Oh how powerful and even truthful those deceptive voices can be…that say, “it is too hard” and so many other things. Yet even though Jesus suffered so much…and asked for that cup of suffering to be taken away…He said…to the Father…Yet, not My will, but Thy will be done. And who am I to quit after a little bit of suffering…and seeming inability to find another to walk this walk with me…continuously…cause it is Jesus who leads continually…man fails or disappoints…and it is to be only 1, 2, or perhaps even 3, but not all…who will come alongside. And seemingly…it seems…even the 1, 2, or 3…may need to be transferred from time to time. Hmmm…I must not digress.
Yes, accountability is to be found from another walking the walk, even if imperfectly. Yet, can they be found in the body of Christ…not from any Sally, Harry or Terry that wants to give advice? And since I am a woman, it shouldn’t be a man, unless it is my husband…and the only man that was ever my husband…well, this was almost 30 years ago…and it would be unwise indeed to be accountable to him as though he professes one thing, he does another…and well, must be prayed for…but from afar.
Yes, this accountability thing can seem like a tricky thing…that can become a burden it seems…when in fact it is not…since we are not to do or go or need our all from any one person…except the person of Christ…but His body…the church…the members of this church of His should be able to help one another as they serve the Lord…and not that they have to do all…or are responsible in any way…except to do as the Lord says to do…the Spirit inside…and offer a hand, an ear, a word of encouragement and kindness…with gentle admonitions…as I walk out these lessons…and even advice…but not to push me faster than the Lord would have me go…but walk alongside prompting and walking in stride…and perhaps coaxing to try to go a little faster or farther….but not to belittle or shame…but to help one another.
IS it possible with man? NO. Is it possible with God? YES. Is it possible with God’s people? Yes, if they are listening to the Spirit and obeying Him.
SOMETHING happened Monday morning…that has me realizing…how easily distracted…and how well-meaning folks…again and again…think they know something…but really don’t…only causing delay or detouring from my required route…and instead of ignoring…or belittling…or becoming frustrated…just to be cautious until I can check their input…then confirm I’m Ok…by examination…and quickly get back to the way…to what I am certain the Lord has commanded and even provided passage…and then let go of that person’s advice…and just let them go along their merry little way and allow myself not to be entangled. And go along the path I’ve been provided…the way.
So…what started these thoughts…really something rather simple…and it was not only this one thing…but this is the most recent and the most prevalent in my mind…I arrived at the bus company at 6:45 A.M.…since this week two schools are out for spring break. And after walking back to my bus…and completing my pre-trip check…which includes a look at all of the tires…kicking them and ensuring they are not flat…there was plenty of tread and no bald spots on the sides.
So, after finishing the check of the tires and more…I headed out from the base and onto the road. I stopped at a traffic light, as it was red and waited in the left hand turn lane. I was minding my own business and watching the sign…and singing the melody that the Lord had given me…waiting for the light to change to green…when I heard a horn honk…at me? No, I didn’t think so.
So, at first I ignored that horn…as I saw the light was still red…so no one should be rushing me to be moving before the light changed. Then I turned my head to the right…and the lady in the car next to me…was waving her hand…and pointing at my front right tire…and I opened my door…and she said…it looks like you have holes in the tread of your tire…and I said really? She nodded yes…and her light turned green…and she took off. Now my mind went back to my pre-trip inspection…and I wondered how I could’ve missed something like that…it’s not like it was dark…like when I normally start an hour earlier to work…when the other school is in session…and I wondered if I should go back to the base…and have the tire checked…but that would make me late to pick up my students and get them to school?
I decided to see how the bus drove down highway 55…and it seemed fine. I decided not to drive on 94…the faster highway…like I normally do…just in case the tire would blow out…I wouldn’t be on that faster highway. So, I took side streets until I saw a parking lot where I could pull in and stop the bus and check the tires…and see those holes I was advised of? Well…I looked really hard…and I couldn’t see anything wrong…just a little smooth scuff that I caused by coming too close to a curb one too many times…but not any baldness or any hole I could see? So then I thought…perhaps she meant the back tire? And I went to look at that…and nothing wrong that I could see…and honestly…she had pointed at the front tire…not the back…but I checked the left side also…again…just in case…and since I had stopped…might as well re-check them all.
I got back on the bus…a bit perplexed and befuddled…but thought…you know…I’ve been deceived other times in my life…not listening to others advice…so I decided I would take the bus back to the bus company after my route…and have the guys in service take a look…in case I was totally missing something another had seen.
Well…the route was uneventful…in fact quite pleasant and quiet…and after I dropped off the students…and completed my post route check…I headed to the base to have them check that tire.
When I told the service man what the lady had said…and I couldn’t see anything…he looked at the tire…and looked at me…and said would you mind getting back in the bus…and driving it slowly forward…without hitting me…and I smiled and said I would try not to hit him.
Well…this young man confirmed there was nothing wrong with the tire…and he sent me on my way…and as I was driving…back home from my morning route…I kept thinking of how many times…when I am doing just fine…praising the Lord…and under His influence…how someone or something would influence or distract me…with their ways and their cares and concerns and habits and more concerns…and how I’ve been led down some paths too willingly…kind of like a ignorant animal…being led to some dirty water to drink…and is it the fault of those who are just living as they know how to live?
Ah…I can’t avoid them all…He doesn’t want me to do this…I can’t fix any of them…that’s not in my power…ah yes…but I can love God…love them as I have learned to love myself…perhaps check what they are saying…perhaps just check in with the Lord…instead of wasting so much time…and not trusting that I have truly learned enough about tires…to trust my judgment on this one thing…and not be influenced to get off God’s path.
So…stay alert I keep hearing…watchful and not sleeping…as I am being led by the Spirit to clean, pure, refreshing…holy water to drink…and it satisfies my thirst sufficiently and is fulfilling indeed…cause it is Jesus’ water and ways I am drinking.
And I have prayed for a partner in accountability…and I trust the Lord has just the right 1,2, or 3 prepared…since I also prayed for help for this sin of gluttony…and although I’m not flying free in victory yet…I am in training and trust to be flying this plane solo one day…and then perhaps bringing along some passengers to fly to the truth…and I’m not sure why I’m thinking of planes…but it is apropos for what I’m feeling right now…so I’ll leave it in and close this refrain.
Yesterday, I watched a short bit of The Passion, to get a grip on the pride in my heart. And it starts out with Jesus in the garden…wrestling intensely in prayer…and his disciples sleeping…and the enemy speaking lies…to try to stop Him from doing the will of God. Oh how powerful and even truthful those deceptive voices can be…that say, “it is too hard” and so many other things. Yet even though Jesus suffered so much…and asked for that cup of suffering to be taken away…He said…to the Father…Yet, not My will, but Thy will be done. And who am I to quit after a little bit of suffering…and seeming inability to find another to walk this walk with me…continuously…cause it is Jesus who leads continually…man fails or disappoints…and it is to be only 1, 2, or perhaps even 3, but not all…who will come alongside. And seemingly…it seems…even the 1, 2, or 3…may need to be transferred from time to time. Hmmm…I must not digress.
Yes, accountability is to be found from another walking the walk, even if imperfectly. Yet, can they be found in the body of Christ…not from any Sally, Harry or Terry that wants to give advice? And since I am a woman, it shouldn’t be a man, unless it is my husband…and the only man that was ever my husband…well, this was almost 30 years ago…and it would be unwise indeed to be accountable to him as though he professes one thing, he does another…and well, must be prayed for…but from afar.
Yes, this accountability thing can seem like a tricky thing…that can become a burden it seems…when in fact it is not…since we are not to do or go or need our all from any one person…except the person of Christ…but His body…the church…the members of this church of His should be able to help one another as they serve the Lord…and not that they have to do all…or are responsible in any way…except to do as the Lord says to do…the Spirit inside…and offer a hand, an ear, a word of encouragement and kindness…with gentle admonitions…as I walk out these lessons…and even advice…but not to push me faster than the Lord would have me go…but walk alongside prompting and walking in stride…and perhaps coaxing to try to go a little faster or farther….but not to belittle or shame…but to help one another.
IS it possible with man? NO. Is it possible with God? YES. Is it possible with God’s people? Yes, if they are listening to the Spirit and obeying Him.
SOMETHING happened Monday morning…that has me realizing…how easily distracted…and how well-meaning folks…again and again…think they know something…but really don’t…only causing delay or detouring from my required route…and instead of ignoring…or belittling…or becoming frustrated…just to be cautious until I can check their input…then confirm I’m Ok…by examination…and quickly get back to the way…to what I am certain the Lord has commanded and even provided passage…and then let go of that person’s advice…and just let them go along their merry little way and allow myself not to be entangled. And go along the path I’ve been provided…the way.
So…what started these thoughts…really something rather simple…and it was not only this one thing…but this is the most recent and the most prevalent in my mind…I arrived at the bus company at 6:45 A.M.…since this week two schools are out for spring break. And after walking back to my bus…and completing my pre-trip check…which includes a look at all of the tires…kicking them and ensuring they are not flat…there was plenty of tread and no bald spots on the sides.
So, after finishing the check of the tires and more…I headed out from the base and onto the road. I stopped at a traffic light, as it was red and waited in the left hand turn lane. I was minding my own business and watching the sign…and singing the melody that the Lord had given me…waiting for the light to change to green…when I heard a horn honk…at me? No, I didn’t think so.
So, at first I ignored that horn…as I saw the light was still red…so no one should be rushing me to be moving before the light changed. Then I turned my head to the right…and the lady in the car next to me…was waving her hand…and pointing at my front right tire…and I opened my door…and she said…it looks like you have holes in the tread of your tire…and I said really? She nodded yes…and her light turned green…and she took off. Now my mind went back to my pre-trip inspection…and I wondered how I could’ve missed something like that…it’s not like it was dark…like when I normally start an hour earlier to work…when the other school is in session…and I wondered if I should go back to the base…and have the tire checked…but that would make me late to pick up my students and get them to school?
I decided to see how the bus drove down highway 55…and it seemed fine. I decided not to drive on 94…the faster highway…like I normally do…just in case the tire would blow out…I wouldn’t be on that faster highway. So, I took side streets until I saw a parking lot where I could pull in and stop the bus and check the tires…and see those holes I was advised of? Well…I looked really hard…and I couldn’t see anything wrong…just a little smooth scuff that I caused by coming too close to a curb one too many times…but not any baldness or any hole I could see? So then I thought…perhaps she meant the back tire? And I went to look at that…and nothing wrong that I could see…and honestly…she had pointed at the front tire…not the back…but I checked the left side also…again…just in case…and since I had stopped…might as well re-check them all.
I got back on the bus…a bit perplexed and befuddled…but thought…you know…I’ve been deceived other times in my life…not listening to others advice…so I decided I would take the bus back to the bus company after my route…and have the guys in service take a look…in case I was totally missing something another had seen.
Well…the route was uneventful…in fact quite pleasant and quiet…and after I dropped off the students…and completed my post route check…I headed to the base to have them check that tire.
When I told the service man what the lady had said…and I couldn’t see anything…he looked at the tire…and looked at me…and said would you mind getting back in the bus…and driving it slowly forward…without hitting me…and I smiled and said I would try not to hit him.
Well…this young man confirmed there was nothing wrong with the tire…and he sent me on my way…and as I was driving…back home from my morning route…I kept thinking of how many times…when I am doing just fine…praising the Lord…and under His influence…how someone or something would influence or distract me…with their ways and their cares and concerns and habits and more concerns…and how I’ve been led down some paths too willingly…kind of like a ignorant animal…being led to some dirty water to drink…and is it the fault of those who are just living as they know how to live?
Ah…I can’t avoid them all…He doesn’t want me to do this…I can’t fix any of them…that’s not in my power…ah yes…but I can love God…love them as I have learned to love myself…perhaps check what they are saying…perhaps just check in with the Lord…instead of wasting so much time…and not trusting that I have truly learned enough about tires…to trust my judgment on this one thing…and not be influenced to get off God’s path.
So…stay alert I keep hearing…watchful and not sleeping…as I am being led by the Spirit to clean, pure, refreshing…holy water to drink…and it satisfies my thirst sufficiently and is fulfilling indeed…cause it is Jesus’ water and ways I am drinking.
And I have prayed for a partner in accountability…and I trust the Lord has just the right 1,2, or 3 prepared…since I also prayed for help for this sin of gluttony…and although I’m not flying free in victory yet…I am in training and trust to be flying this plane solo one day…and then perhaps bringing along some passengers to fly to the truth…and I’m not sure why I’m thinking of planes…but it is apropos for what I’m feeling right now…so I’ll leave it in and close this refrain.
Accountability - Part 1
"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own." Philippians 3:12
I've been eating at the Lord's Table for 24 days now, in a free online course from Setting Captives Free. I've heard it said by men/women or courses I've taken in the past...that it takes 21 days...or even 30 days to create a new habit. Hmmm. Habits so many...habits so strong...even these?
Honestly, today, I am hopeful and experiencing more freedom from the sin of gluttony I've been in since time began? Did this begin in the womb? or childhood? does it really matter at this point? Today? Nope.
There was a brief time in Hawaii...when I was learning to abide...and receive. I think that time was a time of preparation for me. I have so many pictures in my mind of people I met...through the Lord's providing. There are a special few...that He uses in my heart...to keep me turning to Him...as these ones either saw something in me I didn't know was there...or only beloved and befriended me...even in my oddity. There were so many lessons...and so few distractions...so much beauty...and even when something became difficult in paradise...even when I perceived an ugliness in another...I was able to not be influenced for long or at all...and was able to stay focused and free...more of the time than I had since a child...before using food to comfort me?
I could say so much more...but as much as I write...it could not tell all that's going on in my life. But today as I am on day 24 and not focused on food, but able to follow a simple plan of eating...and turn my growling stomach over to the Lord...and only eat when needed. There is some victory that I wanted to share with some loved ones out there...as the lesson today that I've been reading...well, it asked a question that had me weeping.
The verse being discussed was in Ecclesiastes 4...the part where two working together won't be overpowered and can defend themselves. And the term lone ranger came up...not only in this study...but at church yesterday...and prior to that recently...and ugh...lone...so lone I can be...trying to do this thing on my own...not wanting to be a bother (oh bother) or a burden to any...when in fact the only reason I don't reach out again and again...even after rejection...even after receipt...is alone seems to be so much easier!
Such a lie from the enemy.
Trying to coordinate schedules...good times to call or meet...and not be offended when the other just doesn't 'get' me...or can't make the time for me...or well...I don't 'get' them?
Some truth it may be...but also...Such a lie from the enemy.
Hmmm...so me and Jesus...just the Great I AM and I...can be so much easier than a blank stare, teasing, laughs, rejections, too busy of people...ah yes...even I can use that excuse too many times.
Such a lie from the enemy.
So...hmmm...after that digression...I return to the matter in question...and the study lesson asked me if spiritual protection has been missing from my life? Initially...as I said...I began weeping...but as I thought about it more...I realized that truly I have had spiritual protection at times...perhaps not from the beginning of my life...but certainly at times…there has been some care...protection? and even prayer? if not from all...certainly from some.
The Truth sets me Free.
Jesus is the Way, The Truth, The Life...and whom the Son has set free (including me) is free indeed!
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:23-24
I've been eating at the Lord's Table for 24 days now, in a free online course from Setting Captives Free. I've heard it said by men/women or courses I've taken in the past...that it takes 21 days...or even 30 days to create a new habit. Hmmm. Habits so many...habits so strong...even these?
Honestly, today, I am hopeful and experiencing more freedom from the sin of gluttony I've been in since time began? Did this begin in the womb? or childhood? does it really matter at this point? Today? Nope.
There was a brief time in Hawaii...when I was learning to abide...and receive. I think that time was a time of preparation for me. I have so many pictures in my mind of people I met...through the Lord's providing. There are a special few...that He uses in my heart...to keep me turning to Him...as these ones either saw something in me I didn't know was there...or only beloved and befriended me...even in my oddity. There were so many lessons...and so few distractions...so much beauty...and even when something became difficult in paradise...even when I perceived an ugliness in another...I was able to not be influenced for long or at all...and was able to stay focused and free...more of the time than I had since a child...before using food to comfort me?
I could say so much more...but as much as I write...it could not tell all that's going on in my life. But today as I am on day 24 and not focused on food, but able to follow a simple plan of eating...and turn my growling stomach over to the Lord...and only eat when needed. There is some victory that I wanted to share with some loved ones out there...as the lesson today that I've been reading...well, it asked a question that had me weeping.
The verse being discussed was in Ecclesiastes 4...the part where two working together won't be overpowered and can defend themselves. And the term lone ranger came up...not only in this study...but at church yesterday...and prior to that recently...and ugh...lone...so lone I can be...trying to do this thing on my own...not wanting to be a bother (oh bother) or a burden to any...when in fact the only reason I don't reach out again and again...even after rejection...even after receipt...is alone seems to be so much easier!
Such a lie from the enemy.
Trying to coordinate schedules...good times to call or meet...and not be offended when the other just doesn't 'get' me...or can't make the time for me...or well...I don't 'get' them?
Some truth it may be...but also...Such a lie from the enemy.
Hmmm...so me and Jesus...just the Great I AM and I...can be so much easier than a blank stare, teasing, laughs, rejections, too busy of people...ah yes...even I can use that excuse too many times.
Such a lie from the enemy.
So...hmmm...after that digression...I return to the matter in question...and the study lesson asked me if spiritual protection has been missing from my life? Initially...as I said...I began weeping...but as I thought about it more...I realized that truly I have had spiritual protection at times...perhaps not from the beginning of my life...but certainly at times…there has been some care...protection? and even prayer? if not from all...certainly from some.
The Truth sets me Free.
Jesus is the Way, The Truth, The Life...and whom the Son has set free (including me) is free indeed!
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:23-24
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Consent of the King? Part 2
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP—next time won’t you sing with me?
Hmmm, innocent little song and innocent letters on there own. Yet I hear so often from some of my students, “Bus driver, so and so said the A-word, B-word, etc.”
Yuck, profane words for 8 of these alphabet letters from precious students who ride my bus.
The letter ‘F’ seems to be the most common—not only with students but also in books, movies, and even bleeped out on TV! I even find it occasionally while surfing online and most recently while going from one blog to another. I read a man’s warning to steer clear if you don’t like profanity because he doesn’t appreciate anyone preaching at him. And profanity is what he used to express his rage after his wife died after giving birth to their first and only child. I chose not to read past the disclaimer—yet I wonder how this man is doing. I suspect and even trust that others read and pray and share in his grief in some way.
I’ve heard it said that those who use profanity, use it mostly to exclaim in anger or surprise or awe—and they don’t have the ability or intelligence to come up with words that would express what they mean. Kind of an all weather word for some who like to shout, offend, and converse this way. Although for many years those same were able to refrain in a professional setting? Hmmm…kept mouth shut…or found other words to say?
So many movies and books recommended tend to have those dreaded words, yet in context? The most recent hearing was an audio book story about a rape victim/survivor…Lucky. Uh, how lucky can a rape victim be?
And honestly, although it was hard to hear her say the words at times, I understood her anger. Yet is there a way to express it other than profaneness?
Perhaps profanity breeds’ profanity, not perhaps, it does—unless, well forgiveness?
Jamila generally has been my profanity proof monitor.
While I appreciate her warnings—“mom you wouldn’t like this or that”.
I’d rather that she wasn’t exposed to it either.
Although, there was one movie that I recall that she recommended I see despite the dreaded profanity, since she knew I would appreciate the film making and storyline. And I did enjoy the movie Crash. And yes the profanity was offensive. Yet, in order to portray the real life experiences—As this is how life is lived in so many ways—The profanity was there in context?
Hmmm, yes, but not necessary…if well, unless…we learn a better way.
So, the most often occurrence for me
Is on the bus where there is cussing
Not only the students, but also some parents
And even bystanders and drivers by
Oh the profanity that fly’s and fly’s and fly’s
If not with words
It is those well-known gestures.
So while I am driving the bus, I can’t hear everything
Most often the cursers tend to sit near the back
What I do hear comes from any age student and most often reported and tattled
And while I don’t like that they cuss
I also don’t like that they leave a mess on the bus
As they eat and leave their trash
Yet it is not possible to prevent all the trash
And still drive the bus
So I’ve come up with a response
In order to keep some semblance of order and peace in my mind
I remind all of the rules and
Tell those who are telling me what others are doing:
“Let me catch them while I’m driving—you can tell me at a stop”
“I don’t like to clean up the mess or hear naughty words, BUT!
I’m much more concerned all are sitting and not hitting”
I pray and I say— “if I have to stop fast, I hope no one fly’s down the aisle
And ends up with their face on the floor or front window”.
There was a young man on my bus accused of saying the most common cuss.
And I even heard him say it. Yet he denied as most do—that what was reported was not a cuss word. As I listened to him and I knew what he’d said. Yet perhaps he truly didn’t know? Since it is an everyday occurrence?
It was that way for me at a time in my life. When my children were young and I was not following Christ. My mouth so profane, was truly a picture of the hatred and blame that my hard heart contained. Now I can see—in my defective character, I didn’t choose the best way to express—My pain–my failures—my insatiable need—In any other way—except for to bleed—4 letter words and their many derivatives repetitively from my mouth.
Wow, it’s no wonder these students who experience hardships in life
And hear these words so commonly in media and environment
Would so easily use it as they have
Not yet learning how to express well in some cases
Although it may be a call for attention as they shock others
And some know exactly what they are saying
Too many occurrences of profane language are appearing
And I have to discern and decide.
Discern and separate the profanity from the person
And decide how best to respond.
Whether it’s to ignore and move on.
Or stand and confront
Or speak truth and continue to love
Or report and let someone else deal with it
It must be all of these while I’m on the bus
I must address each report
And respond sharply with love
That it is not ok to use profanity on my bus
And they will be reported to the school
And their parents will be notified
I pray the parents take it seriously
Instead of ignoring
Since I cannot ignore it on the bus
Why should they be allowed to ignore the report?
Yet they do.
I know
Some are single
Some are in abuse
Some are angry
Some are addicted to worldly substances
And they need help
I know cause I’ve been one of these
Yet the church is too fat in more ways than one way
All the comfortable seats to accommodate largesse
Ah yes, it keeps coming back to that profanity for me
That I must honestly deal with and get support for my life
Then have the energy and ability to do something more with my life
Than feeding my face after driving the bus
Or sitting on the couch and watching TV to zone out
And while I know I alone can’t possibly be
Responsible for every wrong in the world
I am thankful to God for this bus-driving job
As it is reminding me of my responsibility to deal with me
And the grace, power and strength is available in prayer and in community in the body of Christ.
At least…it is supposed to be.
I know a fit and healthy body and mind
Would do wonders to glorify God!
I pray to be a catalyst to change my lifestyle
Where profanity is uncommon
And love, grace, and strength is abounding.
Amen.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Consent of the King? Part 1
Will you go away if I offend or ignore?
Do I leave when I’m offended or ignored?
Does THE King consent to profanity? Whether it’s in the form of language…pictures…or behavior?
And is it not obscene…and even profane…to gain more weight than my frame can carry…without causing health issues and pain?
Hmmm…sometimes when I begin writing…I think I have one thing to say…and yet…words that I’d not thought…come from my fingers and onto this keyboard.
Judge not, lest ye be judged…is there more to this…is it sufficient to say this…or am I taking this out of context?
Take the log out of your own eye…before trying to remove the splinter from the eye of another…honestly…this is true…yet…is there ever a time when I should or must speak the truth…as I can’t seem to get rid of this log…and your eye has a log too! Hmmm…well…not yours necessarily…but well…if it’s true…I really still do want to help me and you...get the logs and yep...even the splinters removed!
OK…so here’s the deal. I can’t seem to get this subject of profanity off of my mind. It keeps popping up…when I’m driving the bus, reading, walking about…and now…even while I’m resting…ugh! So, I guess it’s time to write something…and perhaps I’ll get revelation…or rest from this subject of profanity.
Yes, it is profane and even obscene for Carol Eileen Suronen Williams to continue to gain weight…on this itty bitty 5’2”…and decreasing height (yep!) frame. And I have come to the conclusion that nobody else’s weight or frame is any of my business…unless they talk to me about it…and it is my business…and the business of the church…to focus on this issue of girth.
And now that I’ve said this…it is only in confession…and most of you already know as I don’t keep it a secret…that I continue to struggle…but I have faith in God…that He is leading and guiding and teaching and revealing…and showing me the way out of this pain. And there is hope beyond the scope of losing weight…and indeed lifestyle can be changed…and it is helpful for me…to confess and to pray…and to say truthfully that I’ve seen others change…especially on the inside … and somewhat on the outside…and yes even years of living in grace…by faith…and yes…a favorite verse of mine that keeps me going not only in the issue of profane weight…but in the hope of the return of Christ Jesus…and not only in the return…but in the power of the Spirit of God to bring life and help and continual washing of regeneration now….now…NOW! Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Part two to come...which is truly what I thought I was going to initially write about...part two I believe...is about the profane language in books, music, films and precious people...on my bus, on the streets, in the stores...and elsewhere...that keeps on messing with me...yup.
Do I leave when I’m offended or ignored?
Does THE King consent to profanity? Whether it’s in the form of language…pictures…or behavior?
And is it not obscene…and even profane…to gain more weight than my frame can carry…without causing health issues and pain?
Hmmm…sometimes when I begin writing…I think I have one thing to say…and yet…words that I’d not thought…come from my fingers and onto this keyboard.
Judge not, lest ye be judged…is there more to this…is it sufficient to say this…or am I taking this out of context?
Take the log out of your own eye…before trying to remove the splinter from the eye of another…honestly…this is true…yet…is there ever a time when I should or must speak the truth…as I can’t seem to get rid of this log…and your eye has a log too! Hmmm…well…not yours necessarily…but well…if it’s true…I really still do want to help me and you...get the logs and yep...even the splinters removed!
OK…so here’s the deal. I can’t seem to get this subject of profanity off of my mind. It keeps popping up…when I’m driving the bus, reading, walking about…and now…even while I’m resting…ugh! So, I guess it’s time to write something…and perhaps I’ll get revelation…or rest from this subject of profanity.
Yes, it is profane and even obscene for Carol Eileen Suronen Williams to continue to gain weight…on this itty bitty 5’2”…and decreasing height (yep!) frame. And I have come to the conclusion that nobody else’s weight or frame is any of my business…unless they talk to me about it…and it is my business…and the business of the church…to focus on this issue of girth.
And now that I’ve said this…it is only in confession…and most of you already know as I don’t keep it a secret…that I continue to struggle…but I have faith in God…that He is leading and guiding and teaching and revealing…and showing me the way out of this pain. And there is hope beyond the scope of losing weight…and indeed lifestyle can be changed…and it is helpful for me…to confess and to pray…and to say truthfully that I’ve seen others change…especially on the inside … and somewhat on the outside…and yes even years of living in grace…by faith…and yes…a favorite verse of mine that keeps me going not only in the issue of profane weight…but in the hope of the return of Christ Jesus…and not only in the return…but in the power of the Spirit of God to bring life and help and continual washing of regeneration now….now…NOW! Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Part two to come...which is truly what I thought I was going to initially write about...part two I believe...is about the profane language in books, music, films and precious people...on my bus, on the streets, in the stores...and elsewhere...that keeps on messing with me...yup.
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About Me
- aWritetoBelong
- Hopkins, Minnesota, United States
- A mother of two adult children...and a mother to many more adopted in the Kingdom of God. Grandmother to three. Lover of Jesus, The Way, The Truth, The Life, justice, learning, teaching, authenticity, discernment, and praying. I process by writing my thoughts to get to the truth...but most times there are too many words to wade through. A picture of myself I've seen, is like a scuba diver who jumps in the ocean with all the equipment in place, but rises too quickly at times and gets nauseated, but the picture is only a warning...not that I shouldn't go deep...but to come up more slowly in order to keep...my health.