The look of love is in His eyes…and my eyes are on this prize

The impostor, the actor, the deceiver…

the accuser, the thief, the liar…

the evil one, the enemy…

certainly does destroy relationships

and minds…when the armor is left behind…

The whispers of sweet ‘nothings’

when sleeping unawares

must be silenced quickly

in order to remain without cares

the Lord whispers of ‘some things’

are wondrous and true

no doubt will appear as

He shares His love with you

Oh how simply atrocious to find

that sorrow sneaks in

when escapes from the world are passed by

instead of chasing a life of comfort and ease

although difficulties may arise

is worth it to leave this life of disease

and to find such plenteous love

that cannot be found in another

than from the Father above

And as a child growing up

and as an adult such unrest

and the love thought needed from some

was limited at best

the empty places and hurts

are to be filled up and removed

with the only true love

where eyes can receive

a clear picture of love

and sometimes hard to believe

But a fraud emerges when the heart hides away…

when the disguise is still there…

at the end of the day…

must hidden places be kept?

safe and clean out of sight?

for who can be trusted?

with a heart so fragile with fright?

Only One that I know…

and this is for sure.

Truth can be told…

when the truth becomes clearer…

but at times truth is to hold…

until silence appears

in waiting on the Lord

and sitting still brings strength

and it is blessed to learn direct

from the Lord as I pray

His correction is gentle

His forgiveness complete

His love everlasting

and forever I’ll be

held in the palm of His hand

Why leave His hand?

in search of anything?

thank God it remains open

and He beckons and calls

my child return to Me

and seeing how He leads

and He answers my cries

He comforts my soul

brings peace and clarity to mind

and gives joy to my heart

as He does all He does

without any physical evidence

of His perfect love

So this face that would drop

for even a moment of time…

a look away…

to another…

in admiration or design…

is too dangerous for me…

but I know as I breathe

that He wants me to believe

and to love others as much as He

and also myself which is my daily plea

So a look of love

a word of love

a song of love

for me…for you

as I praise His name

and I exalt The Father

and I truly keep my eyes on none other

Lord, let thy will be done

let this test be passed

let my words be true

as I live my life in love with you, myself and others

May compassion be evident in the body of Christ

As we seek to show your face of love…your look of love

Grace so sufficient, I cannot comprehend.

Love so amazing, it’s all part of His plan.

Joy so abounding, by His strength in my life.

Faith in my Father as Jesus is the center of my life.

Truth be told…as I think about such…confession, repentance, and forgiveness follows…

Philippians 4:8—Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Secrets, myths and truth: Is there a tooth fairy?

Ah, the lessons to be learned and lessons to be taught as I drive a bus in Minnesota. A young girl boarded my bus this morning. I know her more or less since meeting her last fall. She occasionally has something important to tell me. Last Friday it was that she had a secret she really wanted to tell me, but wasn’t sure if she should. Then she said, I will tell you, but you must promise not to tell. I smiled at her and said go ahead and tell me.

This precious young fair-haired girl proceeded to blurt out her news and it was that her dad was going to propose to her mother and give her a ring that weekend.

Now let me briefly explain...

this man who lives with them is not her dad by blood, but loves her mom just the same and is becoming a father to this girl who needs one and I thanked God that the man is willing to commit instead of keeping one foot in and one foot out of the door

But I digress and explain too much...let me move on...

well, one more thing...

I know not enough of their lives to judge, but even if I knew more, it’s not my job to judge more or less, but I see the blessing in the joy on her face as she tells me her daddy will marry her mother and that’s good enough for me.

Well, that was last week and todays another day. As she bounded onto my bus this morning, it wasn’t very long at all before she had another announcement. But this was not a secret, but it brought her so much joy and it’s that her other tooth had fallen out as she was eating Ramon noodles of all things. She took it out of her mouth before swallowing it and was oh so pleased since now she had $8 from the tooth fairy.

Then she reminded me this was her 2^nd tooth that had fallen out in a week and she said she hadn’t received a thing for the first one that fell out...

so she wrote a letter to the tooth fairy, letting her know of her missing teeth

So this morning she was so happy to not only receive $8, but also a note from the fairy that was in tiny printing and she had it with her right now

and it was that the tooth fairy apologized for not coming quicker but she had come now

Hmmm…now on the ride to the school as we were driving along she was talking of how some at her school don’t believe in the tooth fairy at all and she asked me what I thought...

what did I believe?

I told her to ask her parents to explain about the tooth fairy, but then my spirit said say more, but be careful of our culture and her relationship to her parents...

so I asked the Lord, what do I say?

And it was not clear until I heard her bragging away to the next group of children that boarded the bus and she went on and on about how the tooth fairy was real and I said…

This is what I’ll say about the tooth fairy...

I think children who have parents that like to give their kids hope tend to speak of stories and myths that have goodness in them...

I said my children were visited by the tooth fairy too and I know it’s good to want our children to have hopes and dreams, but we also need to tell children about the truth of real hope and real truth is God and his truth and I knew from all they’ve told me on the bus this year that each of their parents have some belief in God...So I hoped that this belief is what they are taught.

Well…I thought that might be the end of that, but after picking up my young man who would like to be king, she told her tooth fairy story again and the others started sharing their blessings of money they’ve received from losing their teeth and my prince in the making said with a look of disdain on his face the tooth fairy never visited me...

Now I was happy he had not been on the bus when I’d said what I’d previously said and not that it was wrong, but this child does not fit in with their experience and not that his parents don’t love him but perhaps they love him more?

By not feeding him with myths?

but perhaps not...

since he’s not seemingly filled with the truth of God’s love for him?

So when I looked in the mirror he still seemed to be a bit down and when I stopped to pick up one more student, I looked in the mirror and I said to my young prince...

you may not have had any tooth fairy bring you anything, but I have hope for you, that God will bless your life too and more than any money from a fairy could bring and I hope this seed takes root and he believes.

Well…it’s not over yet…could it ever be with me?

We arrived at the school where the students are transferred and while we waited as we do each morning for the signal to make the change, my lovely fair-haired girl came to me to show me her note from the fairy and as she showed me, my hand reached for the note and she pulled it back abruptly and said don’t you touch it and my young prince came up and he tried to do the sameand she just about threw a fit and I was surprised by her anger, but I said to my young prince don’t touch her note...

it’s very important to her, but I have something much better, it’s inside my purse...

it’s the word of God and he turned and walked away.

Oh well, I’ll just keep on planting and watering and praying and I know it may seem odd sometimes, but I really am not preaching to these kids, but just telling the truth of how I see how God values them and sometimes it seems the veneer on their face shows a slight crack and sometimes even seems to have fallen completely away and I see such a smile on their face ...

But I’ve found it doesn’t seem to last, this attractive countenance, for long, perhaps a day or a week or a month may go by before I see that mask come off again, but since I saw it come off once, I know the hardness hasn’t set in and the love of God can seep under the cement trying to cover them…

Now another thought came...

after all of these things and it has to do with wisdom teeth and owls and belief?

What is this all about?

Why are those teeth called wisdom?

And why is wisdom required to be pulled out?

Or else they’ll crowd out the good ones?

Hmmm…maybe it’s those good ones that should be pulled?

since wisdom is so needed…

oh well, the thought is not developed, another study might be required and if I pursue it any farther I expect I’ll write it down and perhaps even share it.

Psalm 34:4, 5...Radiant with Joy...

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

Man* oh man…be a man of God…and don’t you go eating that forbidden fruit!

(* also applies to woman)

When Eve was tempted by the snake…I would have liked to read in the Word…that she laughed at the fool…and said…nope…no forbidden fruit for me…I’ve got all that I want…my man Adam and me…and in fact, God has already given us all that we need…we don’t need anything else…than all that the garden holds…cause one measly tree…as beautiful as it seems…certainly can’t make much more difference and do we truly have more need...than for Him?

So get your snaky body…and slither or march (I think it still had feet then)…out of here…and leave us alone…we’ve got more than enough…and the temptation of Eve…could have been the end of the fall…but oh well…it didn’t go that way…

And it went quite off course…but isn’t that just the way…with just about every story I’ve heard…there are rare happily ever afters on this earth…alas…only in the movies…and the fantasy’s at best….More likely since Eve (and not to forget…also Adam)…didn’t respond as the Lord would have hoped…was He disappointed in him and her…I can only speculate…well…he told them to come out…when they were hidden away…and he covered them up…yes, he covered their shame…but there were curses…were there blessings? That’s not my focus right now…the story is this…no matter how bad we may stumble in our thinking or being deceived…even if we fall down like Adam and Eve…the Lord has provision for those who repent…the Lord has a plan…and He’s the master at that.

So I will not be discouraged…by my childish unmet needs…but I will come before the master…as a child…childlike indeed.

And he meets all my needs…he tells me stories and verses…and gives me rest when I need it…and he tells me to share it…and not necessarily that any will hear it…but the purpose is to be yielded...and willing to do…and announce publicly and privately my beloved….Jesus Christ is Lord of my life…not to be ashamed…not to desire another…because THE MAN OF GOD…who is God himself…is zealous…and yes…even jealous for my devotion to Him. I am hopelessly…no…not as the song from Grease goes…but hopefully…and steadfastly…and joyfully devoted to YOU…my Lord!

Singing now…“But now, there’s no where to hide…when I’ve pushed your love aside…I’d go out of my head…hopelessly devoted to you…(change that)…hopefully devoted to YOU….ohhhhhh…joyfully devoted…steadfastly devoted…hopefully devoted to YOU!!!

But what? There’s more…oh yes…I feel obliged to say…I know the truth…I know the Lord knows what’s best for me…although I must admit…I’ve not always known this…at least if I knew…I did not believe…cause if I look at my past…I can see the warnings and signs…that said…fool don’t you do it…but did I listen…not often enough…and though there was suffering at times…even in my choices not so fine…the Lord has made my life and my messes become so amazingly beautiful…and I’m learning not to say that any of it was a mistake…cause then my joy would be pain…and I have joy in this journey and now I’ll end this refrain.

Today's verse from George MacDonald's Diary of an Old Soul

This versing, even the reading of the tale

That brings my heart its joy unspeakable,

Sometimes will softly, unsuspectedly hale

That heart from thee, and all its pulses quell.

Discovery's pride, joy's bliss, take aback my sail,

And sweep me from thy presence and my grace,

Because my eyes dropped from the master's face.

No one lights a lamp and then hides it or puts in under a basket

Psalm 116…I love the LORD because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!

It’s true…and now a song…oh well…there are so many…but a couple or a few…will do in this telling…and perhaps not the whole song…but with the reminder that I didn’t write these songs…these lyrics (words) are what others have written…and in some cases the writing of these songs…were not seemingly for the Lord’s purposes…but as I am reminded of songs…and they are worldly at best…the Lord has given me and my loved ones the ability to see…that those songs can be sung to our Almighty One…when we keep our minds and hearts and the focus on Him…oh yes, change a few words…if it’s necessary…but honestly in just seeing a few of these words…you will see how He continually speaks to me!

Love Letters…by Nat King Cole…

Love letters straight from your heart…keep us so near while apart…I’m not alone in the night…when I can have all the love you write…

Oh my….how romantic our Lord can be…my face is blushing…

This next song…I was going to turn down the radio as I was driving to church with my sister…but she said…that’s one of my favorites…and it can be sung to the Lord…and as I listened I saw she knew the truth of these words…hmmm, by the American Breed?…I didn’t know that band name…hmmm and the grammar…oh yes…quite American…

Bend me shape me anyway you want me

Long as you love me it’s all right

Bend me shape me anyway you want me

You got the power to turn on the light

ok…I was only going to share the chorus…but this verse is calling to be written…

Everybody tells me I’m wrong, to want you so badly

But there’s a force driving me on, I’ll follow it gladly

So let them laugh I don’t care

All I want is you by my side

Bend me shape me anyway you want me

Long as you love me it’s all right

Bend me shape me anyway you want me

You got the power to turn on the light

Ok…and it’s not only the songs on the radio…but the songs that were planted in my heart at church when I was a young girl….a hymn by Clara Scott…

Open my eyes that I may see…

Glimpses of truth though hast for me

Place in my hands that wonderful key

That shall unclasp and set me free

Silently now I wait for Thee

Ready my God Thy will to see

Open my eyes, illumine me…Spirit Divine…

Oh how divine….oh how divine it is to be in the presence of the Lord…and wonder and ponder the treasures He’s placed in my heart…and the treasure is His Spirit and the treasure is His Word…and the treasures are so many people whom I have met over the years…and more…and more…and more…oh so much more…but I don’t have the Words today…but the Word is in me…and it’s getting much clearer as I spend most my time with knowing Him…more intimately…oh my Lord…He wants this for all…and His love is so ravishing and wondrous and my heart and my soul is flooded right now…again blushing my dear…

And of course… Luke 11… reminded me of this precious song…that comes quickly to many…and the refrain is so strong…

This little light of mine…I’m gonna let it shine!

Won’t let satan blow it out…I’m gonna let it shine!

Shine all over the neighborhood…I’m gonna let it shine!

Hide it under a bushel…NO!…

I’m gonna let it shine…let it shine…let it shine…let it shine…

And this leads me to more scripture…and my continual questioning of ‘how many or how much of these revelations do I share?’…as much as possible?…only what flys off my fingers as I type and I edit…only after prayerfully considering instead of impulsively blurting? Hmmm, like Peter the rock...I’m learning.

And who do I share my light with?…anyone around…and I guess anyone who seeks…we are to shine the light for all to see…and as the darkness is revealed…and hidden things are exposed…it is not to shame or to blame or to hurt or even for me to do the change…but as the darkness is brought to light…those things in the recesses of the heart…are revealed and healed…and the truth is the cure…and the truth is His love and His light is so pure…and the hidden and dark things that we try to push down…really have not the power that we think that desire has over our thoughts or our lives…cause the light dispels the darkness…and it removes the revealed…we become holy …we become clean…in transparency…it’s not always easy to do…but once it’s swept clean…to fill it up with His Spirit…by meeting with Him…and relating mostly and continually to Him…and the dirt & the trash have no room to move back in! Praise God…the chains are being dragged away!

Luke 11:33-36—No one lights a lamp and then hides it or puts in under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where its light can be seen by all who enter the house. Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when it is bad, your body is filled with darkness. Make sure that the light you think you have is not actually darkness. If you are filled with light, with no dark corners, then your whole life will be radiant, as though a floodlight were filling you with light.

When I think I’m too much…or when I don’t do enough…as I read his love letters…he assures me…as I am listening to His voice…He tells me what to do…and as I hear and obey…and do what I do…and today it is living and loving and forgiving…and hanging on the cross with the nail holding me there…until I can say…yes, Lord forgive them for they know not what they’re doing…and mean it…not just say it…but believe it…and pray for the fear of the Lord to be taught and learned as I speak…and that not only them…but also that me…that I learn and continue to learn the reverence of the Lord…and trust God to speak…and trust God to comfort…and trust God to bring us back to life…after the death to our own selfish ambitions and desires.

Psalm 116…I love the LORD because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!

Let everything that has breath…Praise the Lord!

Rocks, rocks, and more rocks?

The Lord speaks to me of flint, and stone, and bedrock and even the debris…and what is found in the trash sometimes…oh yes, there may be gold in dem dere hills!

First there is the rock, THE blessed rock of my salvation…and as I’ve written previously…I’ve been realizing more about what I must do to remove some old rocks that keep appearing in my life. And now the story of the foundation…the bedrock on which we must stand…appears in my reading of the Bible.

Luke 6:46-49…the whole story…I cannot take it out of context…there is so much truth of the wise versus the foolish builders!

Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.

I could say so much about this story of course…and it would be worthwhile to expound…but this I’ll say…yes I have built my house upon the bedrock of faith in God the Father…and when the storms appear on the horizon…and when they hit my astonished soul…the flood may come and the storm may rage…but my house is not ruined because the foundation remains…and although the damage may be heard or seen…the damage was only in a false refuge you see.

Ok the other story now I’ve just been told…about our lives…and how much value they hold…has to do with a sermon I recently heard…of how God wants us to work with Him to take out the trash. Cause the warning is real…and the woe’s may be true (Luke 12)… and although many have been saved…there is yet saving to do…so we must not just live our lives as we did before…with the false assumption that our lives can be filled with trashy ways, trashy thoughts, trashy words…and that the trash must be taken out…and removed…and now this next thing I heard from the Lord on my own…and it is this…

He can turn trash into treasure…He can turn rock into pools of living water…it’s never hopeless you see…but it requires us to be…listening to His voice...spending time with Him…and then obey what He tells us to do…and even though it might be painful…and we may get scratches or even drop some rocks on our toes or our heads…as we obey…and the rocks are mined…guess what is in dem dere mines?

There are jewels and precious metals galore…and this is what He has in store…that these beautiful jewels will be seen…and these precious metals will be made into rings…rings of covenant…rings of commitment…and love and fidelity…and I AM NOT speaking of worldly prosperity…but His lovely blessings galore…oh how His promises are so sure! And if our lives happen to have material wealth I am confident we must be diligent and pray for our souls…since this wealth seems to deceive…then what was once the Kingdom of God…appears to be full of the kingdom of the world…as the wealth is played…and all the games of the world come into the church…while the trash still needs to be taken away…and the treasures are dying to be freed…polished…and used for the glory of God.

Now let me make this clear…so you know I’m not referring to any ‘one’ person…except the person of the Son of Man and the Son of God Himself. Yes, it is Him who speaks and whom I obey…as I risk the saying of things that are sometimes hard to say…to the one or the two…or the many that I do…but I will trust Him until my dying days…and beyond…because it is in the fear of the Lord…yes, the true reverence of Him…that wisdom is gained…and life eternal with Him.

Psalm 114:7, 8 - New Living Translation

Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord, at the presence of the God of Jacob.

He turned the rock into a pool of water; yes, a spring of water flowed from solid rock.

A ROCK IS A HARD PLACE...BUT NOT IMMOVABLE

No one who puts her hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.

Then another said, "I'm ready to follow you, Master, but first excuse me while I get things straightened out at home." Jesus said, "No procrastination. No backward looks. You can't put God's kingdom off till tomorrow. Seize the day."-Luke 9:61 ,62 Message Bible

So…my hand is to the plow…I am following…am I not? But guess what? My field…the field has some rocks…and yes…I have looked back…at times…and wondered if I should have or not…but still…I am following…but I keep running into rocks.

My hands are on the plow…I’m only looking back long enough to observe my surroundings…you know…like when driving a car…maybe I shouldn’t even do that…hmmm do the terms offensive or defensive driving speak to you? Offensive brings to mind impatience and rudeness…and defensive…well, just trying to avoid people…hmmm, no backwards looks…ok…I’ll need help with this one Lord.

But the rocks…although some are small enough to just turn over into the ground…yes, they are not so big as to prevent forward movement…but there have been some rocks that I couldn’t turn over…I couldn’t move…and it’s taking up oh so much of the field…a couple of them are way too big…I see no way of moving those monoliths…so I have just gone around them…maybe kicked them as passing…or stopped in the shade…

But there have been some rocks…that I knew could be moved if I could only get someone to help me…would anyone help me? I asked…but they were busy coming from or going to one of many destinations…or they were weary from moving the rocks from their own field…or oh well…for many various and even valid reasons.

But occasionally I would find a person…who would stop…and hear about this rock…and they would come look at the rock with me…and we would pray for understanding or that the rock would be moved…but I guess we didn’t have enough faith…cause although the rock rocked at times…it settled again.

And I must not forget…that most of the time…I believed that these rocks were the results of my own jaded past…so if the rock would be moved…it would certainly have to be…with my own strength and initiative…cause honestly…whether those rocks were generational or gained in my own time…those rocks weren’t anyone else’s problem…only just mine.

Then I started looking around for rock movers…you know the type…lean, muscular, lots of energy, friendly…and guess what? They would come to look at the rock with me too…but they couldn’t agree on how to move the rock…either they wanted to lead…or they didn’t trust the leader…cause they’d been wounded too many times from rocks dropped on them when they listened to leaders before…so was it a waste of time…trying to get those strong ones to help? Alas, yes, too much energy expended.

So…I think I know the solution…I need to meet someone with access to heavy equipment…you know…the type of crane that can pick up a rock…and lift it into a truck…or just out of the way…take it out of the field. Or maybe I need dynamite…dynomite!! Bang! Boom! Kaboom!!!!!!!! Blast that rock to smithereens!!!!

Now both of these could work I guess…but I don’t know anyone with access to these…and I’m not confident someone might not be hurt in the process…if you know someone in this skill…and you’re sure it won’t be detrimental…let me know…hmmm…and we’ll see.

So what? Just keep going around the rock? Nah…I decided to stop for awhile and keep chipping away with a hammer and chisel…and there are some who will help…chip away at the big massive rock…and this might take a long time…but maybe some big chunks…a vein in the rock might be reached…and then the time element won’t be as long as I think…but in any case, I have hope…that as we pray and chip and move and drag away this debris…some day…I will be able to turn over that ground that is under that rock…and plant some awesome seeds!

A song…of course…

Well, I’ve got a hammer I hammer in the morning
I hammer in the evening all over this land
I hammer out danger I hammer out a warning
I hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters all over this land

I have a song I sing it in the morning I sing it in the evening all over this land
I sing out danger I sing out a warning
I sing out love between my brothers and my sisters all over this land

Well I've got a hammer and I've got a chisel
And I've got a song to sing all over this land
It's a hammer of justice it's a song so free to sing

It's about God’s love for all my brothers and my sisters all over the world

Oh Carol, Beware of your mighty proclamations!

I sometimes struggle and strain…you know, you’ve seen it in writings…that I share…and I come out on top…or out of the cocoon…and see the beauty and freedom I can enjoy as I seek Him…and you’ve seen this also…in my writings…and some of those of you…in my life…but only if I share.

But this morning…in fact each day for the past few weeks…I have been getting revelations of truth as I read, pray and seek. And while the revelation is not untrue…my immaturity is revealed…sometimes a bit later when I feel some conviction…but like Peter I see…I am imbalanced at times…and impulsive…and zealous to stand up and fight. But the Lord is teaching me…and shouldn’t I have already learned this? That Jesus did not come with a sword…yes, the old covenant was the sword many times…but Jesus continually served and taught and was compassionate with the hurting…and sometimes spoke harsh words to those who would try to hurt Him…but He never picked up the sword. In fact we know what He did…do we not…He went to the cross.

When Peter proclaimed he would never deny Him, When Peter proclaimed he would never let the death of Jesus happen, when Peter picked up the sword…and cut off the ear of a soldier at the garden where they came to take Jesus away to be crucified…Jesus rebuked him and told Peter to put away the sword…and healed the enemies wound…and went with them…cause He knew what He must do…and He told us too…prior to this He’d been teaching them…in order to follow after Him…they would have to deny themselves…and to pick up the cross…and follow after Him. And when I think I understand…but then I pick up the sword…when I see a loved one hurt…I see like Peter in my zealous, righteous anger I feel…that I lash out and try to protect with the sword…when in fact…Jesus told me what to do…and that is to go to the cross…and to die to my way of thinking…and to just love…just forgive them for they know not what they do…and hopefully they will learn to forgive me…in my ignorance too.

It is finished…the sacrifice of Jesus is complete…He suffered, He died, He remained in the grave…for three days…but death could not hold Him…He defeated the enemy and death with our sins…and He’s alive and lives in the hearts of those who choose Him.

So I follow after Him…in my weaknesses and foibles…and I speak out as much as I know to do…but now I look for the rebuke…and pray for His grace and mercy…to fine tune this work of art…He tells me I’m a master piece…but I’m not finished yet…and I’m not boldly proclaiming…cause today I am tired…and yes, I’m so thankful for understanding…but I still cannot deny unforgiveness I carry for abusers of women…and abusers of men…and even after they repent…I grieve for the damage they have caused in their tyranny…but I am required to forgive…it is what is best for me…and you…and the abuser too. And but for the grace of God…there go I…I have been an abuser too.

My dear loved ones…beloved…some of you may think I am thinking specifically of you as I write…and I am…and I am not. I am thinking mostly of the text in Joshua this morning…all the bloody killing that the Lord commanded…the Old Testament…but also of the new covenant…the blood of Jesus…and the cross…it did away with the old…and now we are new. He has given us a new heart, a heart of flesh. He has told us to not put new wine into old wineskins…I never understood this before…but basically today I see…and my seeing is still incomplete…is that I must stop abusing myself…and expecting too much of others and judging others by their past. It does not mean I have to be in relationship with them…but I am required to forgive…and love…and give them new wine…and see their new skins. If anyone has the desire or ability to explain this to me…or yes, even correct me…I would gladly and hopefully graciously receive this.

Also, I sometimes have the thought…oh I wish I could take all my words back…because as I learn more…I see more clearly…but I now realize…this moment…that if I didn’t share my thoughts, my defects, my weaknesses, my proclamations…no one would know who was on the inside of this sometimes polished…many times unpolished body…and it is only in exposing my joy and sorrow and struggles…that I am getting the healing needed. Why me? Why now? Why you? Why Peter? I don’t know for sure…but I know God wants us whole and more centered on Him and others…and in balance.

Oh to remove those writings of immaturity…but that I could? If Peter were here today…would he want the same? I hope not…cause I learn so much …we can learn so much and so much more by humbly looking at their failings…and then seeing ours…it is so difficult sometimes…but it is needed…in fact in order to be effective…and compassionate…and humble…it is required.

Last, but perhaps not least…a couple songs that keep going through my head…and I must stress…the words have been changed to not disparage anyone or myself…

But…

Shame, shame shame,

Shame, shame, shame

Shame, shame, shame…….

Carol, you fool…(to the tune of Aretha Franklin’s …song of Chains)

Then the Lord’s response to me…

Oh Carol, you are not a fool

Darling I love you, though you’re sometimes cruel

You hurt me…when you turn away

Oh Carol…I am here always.

Though yes you may act foolish

Please don’t ever fear

Darling you will always be my sweetheart

For I love you so

Don’t ever leave me

Say you’ll never go

Say there will never be another

For I love you so

Carol I love you

This you must always know

The Neil Sedaka version…is about a Carol…even a Carol I’ve admired…but his desire for her is immature…and need I say co-dependent? Eh hem…yes my friend. And I am learning…that the deepest longing of my heart…as I don’t stuff my desires…with food or other forms of escape…is that while it would be/could be a wondrous thing to have a man desire my person…he can’t meet those deepest longings for belonging…only the Fathers love truly can…and in community…and in relationship…and in learning to be real is the only way to be more often in His will.

Love you,

Carol Queen Eileen…

Oh No, Say it ain’t so!

Miley Cyrus bared her back…and now is embarrassed and parents are concerned…hmm, I was before she bared her back.

So many celebrities…so many say…of their love for Jesus…but then they tend to stray. I think I even heard once that Brittany and Oprah consider themselves Christians…and lovers of Jesus...and who am I to say...it ain't so.

It is easy to say that I love Jesus…but it is more difficult to live the life He directs me to live…which is to turn away from the things of the world and follow after Him…and yes, He can use those in the entertainment industry…but they tend to get swayed by the attention…and it is so unkind of the people of God to do the same to their leaders, their pastors, their priests just the same. It’s a set up…and this quote I read yesterday…helps me understand and try not to judge, but more often pray:

“Other people in the church must develop a more real­istic set of expectations about Christian leadership. In the past, they put so much faith in leaders that when they revealed a weakness it shattered their ability to trust. Such unrealistic expectations can only lead to dis­appointment because human idols always fall off the shelf”

I hear the echo… human idols always fall off the shelf… human idols always fall off the shelf… human idols always fall off the shelf…

Now I am compelled to tell of some personal pain…although I’ve forgiven…I think…it helps me understand to explain.

As a teen in a church…there was the pastors daughter…just a year older than I…oh so beautiful on the outside. The problem I saw…and experienced too…was that the inside was not so pretty as she was often mean and cruel. I recall after leaving the church hearing my mother say…that this pastors daughter was getting married to a navy man…now how nice that would be…I hoped that it would go well for her…but then my mother told me…the wedding was canceled the day before the event…as the groom had decided he couldn’t follow through…and while I know no more…I recalled my experience with her…and I was not walking with the Lord at the time…so I didn’t think to pray for her…although I’m certain my mother did.

Now the next story I tell is how my mom tried to help me. I was a mom with two babies, but my husband and I had separated. I was forlorn and downtrodden…and didn’t know where to turn. My mom sent me to see the pastor…a new one since I’d been there…and she assured me he would listen and advise with care. Now while I really didn’t want to go…I pushed past my doubts…and entered his office and shared of my life choices and sin…that had led me to the situation I was in…and all I recall…is that he recommended I find another place…to find a place where there were other people like me…who understood my situation. He said the couples in the church didn’t have the experience of this single motherhood or abuse…so all I heard him say…in his body language…we don’t want your kind…now please just go away.

Now the last story I’ll tell…I didn’t quite get it at the time. I was new in my faith…only a couple years along. I had the desire to hear a speaker I’d heard before…but I also knew I was needed to help with the Super Church planned for the children…so I went and served…cause it was the right thing to do…knowing I could purchase a tape of the sermon the next day. But when I went to buy a tape, I was told it was not being sold. And there was no more explanation than that from them. So I asked one of my friends who had been at the sermon…and she was evasive at best…and her other friend…that I thought was also a friend of mine…said to the one…don’t tell her anything…remember the pastor said it was only for those who were here…and later I confronted and asked why I couldn’t hear…and she said cause she was told not to tell. Now as I’m learning more about the kingdom of God and His plan…I have to wonder about a man of God who would tell a church to keep a secret? What was said? Why the mystery? What was revealed that had to remain hidden? I only know now…that those things that are hidden are dark…and now I wonder if there was/is darkness within this man of god…and I ask God to reveal…to this man…His truth and love. There are no secrets in the kingdom of God.

Hmmm…ok, one more story…I’d like to say it ain’t so…but as the light reveals the bugs and the not so nice things…I confess I am impatient and unkind many times…and licking my own wounds…instead of helping another…so I’m just saying…I’m imperfect…and I know those who know me already knew it…but I’m also so jubilant and filled with hope…that one day the whole /new created/complete woman of God will be seen more easily. He already says I’m am…I say , while I’d like to say my sins ain’t so…they are…but I’m also just sayin…

That the Lord is good and greatly to be praised

And while I wonder when I hear…I know I can only believe what the Lord tells me

And while I try not to gossip or talk to others about what I see…I’m sometimes unsuccessful

But then I have learned that the kingdom of heaven is light

And I have heard and believe nothing is hidden in the kingdom of God

The truth is plain for all to see

But so many, even leaders can become deceived

When they copy the behavior and customs of the world

Instead of letting God transform Him by the power of His Word

So they promote and they market…and they dream big visions

and leave the hurting outside the fold as they chase after this dream.

Yes, it’s true that there is no church that will ever be perfect…

But when the sin is hidden and covered instead of exposed.

Then the children of God are deceived and confused

And they wonder 'what’s wrong with me that this bothers me so'

Not understanding that the spirit of the Lord is so grieved

And not only for the lost but for those who proclaim to know the truth…but are truly in darkness…and are wounded

But the pain is covered…is hardened inside…so the wounded are ministering…and being elevated by the people idolizing worldly and godly folks…but I choose to only follow after Jesus…as He told…and forsake my desires…and pick up this cross he requires…and make a fool of myself if necessary in following after him...in exposing my own wickedness…and the light that comes from doing this.

So I end up with this…I have nothing but God…and if that’s all that I have…it’s all that I need…but as I give up my visions and dreams and my desires…he meets all those needs that I truly do need…which is in Him…which is His love, peace, joy, faith, kindness, gentleness…patience with me…yes all of the fruits that I cannot recall … all of them will manifest as I learn to only follow and obey only Him…and yes that requires that I have…a human in leadership that is following after the Father…and is also so real with his warts and his failings…that he doesn’t tell me to hide the filth…but to go to cross of Jesus…and let Him heal and release all the darkness…and bring me into the light…and be a part of and be in the community of Christ.

One more thing before I close…the link to the sermon that helped me to see…that though sometimes I think I’m crazy…I am becoming quite sane…in being led by the One and Only…who leads me again and again! And while I know that He leads each of us as we need…and this message may not be something you want to hear…or it may not apply…I’m just sayin…I’m sharing…in case you need to hear…what I heard…love ya, Carol.

http://media.whchurch.org/2008/2008-04-27_Boyd_What-Kind-of-Leadership_64kbps.mp3

Can you guess who I'm singing to?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut6xckTI40o

Only you can make this world seem right
Only you can make the darkness bright
Only you and you alone
can thrill me like you do
and fill my heart with love for only you

Only you can make this change in me
for it's true, you are my destiny
When you hold my hand
I understand the magic that you do

You're my dream come true
my one and only you

Only you can make this change in me
for it's true, you are my destiny
When you hold my hand
I understand the magic that you do

You're my dream come true
my one and only you

One and only you

Name-calling…labels?

Romans 12:2 is the verse that helped me as I did a couple swings on the emotion tree this week. The Father cares…and He has given instruction to help us in times of need. So…here goes. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect His will really is!

Last week on the school bus…the 8 students I picked up from school all sat in the back of the bus. As I was driving I could hear snippets of conversations…and when I looked in the mirror…it was evident some conflict was in process. I warned them all to stop whatever they were doing that was not appropriate…and went back to driving. When I was able to look in the mirror more fully at a traffic light, they seemed to have settled down…a bit. The ride was intense…it’s only a couple miles to the other school where some of these students transfer onto the bus that takes them home.

By the time we arrived at the other school…I wanted to know what had happened. I asked…and they all held their tongues. One girl came up to me and said they had been speaking profanity. I asked who…and she held her tongue. It was time for the students to transfer…so I decided I would ask the bus company to play back the tape…and it could be addressed that way.

So on the bus the next morning I told the students I had asked the bus company to look at the recorded tape…and then the school could handle the problem. Well, I was disappointed when my paperwork was returned to me that afternoon with the requirement that I write up reports for the students involved. I explained that I didn’t know who was at fault…thus my request. The bus company guy said he couldn’t turn in the report to the school without names. I was irritated…but I knew what I needed to do.

When I picked up the students the next morning…I told them that I would have to write up a report on each of the 8 students that had been riding the bus that afternoon...unless someone was willing to confess or tell me what happened. They all seemed downcast when they got off the bus.

When I picked up the students that afternoon…I told them they would all be sitting at the front of the bus from now on so I could hear what was going on. I could hear quite a bit of whispered discussion on the ride over to the other school. When we arrived…one young man said he was ready to confess…and he did.

He said what had started out with joking around ended up with him angry. He said one student had called him a coffee bean…so he responded and called him a marshmallow. Then another said he stood up for the first one…and another said he did too. And one young girl yelled…and they called you a marshmallow too…bus driver.

I talked to them about being kind to one another…and if someone calls you a name…it’s best to ignore or instruct. We can’t stop people from calling us names…but we can respond differently than they expect and we certainly don’t have to agree with them.

I said they could call me a marshmallow…since I am soft and white…and it doesn’t hurt my feelings. And I said I really like coffee…but I understand how it can be insulting for a Mexican to be called that…so told the young man who had used this term, not to do that again. And told them not to call any other student a marshmallow. And I also reminded them they would all have the privilege of sitting in the front half of the school bus for the rest of the school year…so I could monitor the conversations…and they could have the joy of sometimes hearing me sing:)

Now while that was quite an enlightening story…and I can see how prayer and study and requiring the truth…can help to deal with the conflict. What I find even more intriguing is my response to a name label I’ve re-received recently. When I first read this label I had a wry smile appear on my face, then later some irritation, then resolution…and the solution.

So what name could that be? Co-dependent…icky pooey…that is not a name I like at all…call me a marshmallow…but co-dependent…NO!

But over the past few days…I allowed myself to think about this a little more deeply (me? Thinking deeply? yep). Well, anyway…after reading some definitions online…and talking to my sister…I can admit that yes, I am co-dependent…but ah hem…I’m not the co-dependent person I was prior to today! Co-dependent brings up memories of failed relationships, dysfunctional family events, and the obsession I had with finding others to love me…but then pushing them away. Well, that was all pre-Jesus. And while I may be able to get that way again…I trust God to set me straight…and if I resist…well, honestly…with as much time as I spend with Him…that’s futile!

I am passionate about becoming a perfected daughter of the king…and I passionate about telling the truth and praying that deceit would not prevail. I am passionate about showing love … and of being in love with God, Jesus…and being led by the Holy Spirit…and to not only show this love to HIM…but those He loves, is in love with and whom is in love with me.

Honestly, some days I don’t even think I know what ‘being in love’ means…but I speak the Word of God as I was taught when new in my faith…”Now faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen (Heb 11)”. And boy oh boy…or girl oh girl…have I seen some things in the past few years…and a plethora of things in the past week! Whew!

Now…yes, I am co-dependent…I think we all are to some extent. And perhaps that is as it may be…because of where we all came from…and if you admit it…all of us had some bit(or a LOT) of dysfunction in our lives…that gives us a distorted view of people…either believing we are not good enough for them (which is generally my downfall)…or believing they are not good enough for us (and I admit, this can be me at times…not that I’m too good…but it’s too much work to try to love them). Ouch.

So, call me what you will…marshmallow…lazy…co-dependent…icky or sticky gooey…but I am working on calling you what He commands me to do…and that is to be in love with you…to first love God with all my heart, soul, and might…and then to love my neighbor as myself. I am confident in my love for the Father. I am getting so much better at loving myself…excuse me for a minute…I need to give myself a hug:)…and also I am learning to love each of you just as you are…and sometimes that comes out in my feeling in love…whatever that means…and sometimes it comes out as choosing to love…cause I honestly don’t feel it and am unable to express it…and sometimes I get confused and think that just because I love someone…they will love me back…and so I guess that would be the co-dependency?

Enough said…may not be correct…but it’s what I know today.

Love ya…yep I do…I’m in love with Him…He’s in love with me…and that helps me to be in love with you…so there!

Carol.

The whitehead, the pimple and the boil

SINCE TIME AS A TEENAGER BEGAN…a long time ago…I have at different times and in different seasons and for most likely dietary reasons…had to deal with some ‘stuff’ that appeared on my face. Most recently on the side of my waist…but let me stop that thought trail as I’m getting ahead of myself.

LIKE I SAID ALREADY…it was a long time ago, that these things started happening on my face. And I have learned how to handle them well. With a whitehead it’s really so simple. Just keep my face clean…and when that’s not enough…then if a whitehead appears…just give a little squeeze or apply some pressure…and usually it just releases quickly…I wash my hands and my face…and though there may be a little redness…it doesn’t last long.

NOW A PIMPLE IS DIFFERENT…it seems to begin with some pain. And even though my face is very clean…a hardness may appear on my nose, chin or eyebrow or forehead or cheek…and this pimple that is so hard…sometimes hurts very bad…it becomes red and inflamed…it may hurt bad for some time…before it finally comes to a head…then can release all the infection…but sometimes it takes time even after coming to a head…for the infection to clear up…and while I continue to clean my face…it may take several weeks before it’s completely healed and gone from sight…but until that time comes…I sometimes try to cover it up…with some makeup or colored lotion…but really, it’s still visible.

NOW THE BOIL ON THE SIDE of my body was new to me…last summer I noticed a hard, red area on my side…at first I didn’t pay much attention to it…but eventually asked for advice…and my family said it might be a boil, so I made a doctors appointment.

AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE…they told me some long drawn out name for the sore. But when I asked if it was a boil…they said it could be…but they couldn’t say for sure…but asked me to take a round of antibiotics and come back after I finished them…and they would let me know.

SO I TOOK ALL THE MEDICINE…but the pain only got worse…and I looked up the name of what the doctor said it was…on the Internet. What I gathered from my research…was this thing was most likely a boil…and they sometimes go away on their own…but other times need more than avoidance.

SO I RETURNED to the doctor after finishing my round of antibiotics…and the ‘boil’ was much worse and he said they would have to lance it, and squeeze out the pus and pack it with medicated gauze…and I would need to take another round of antibiotics.

SO I SAID GO AHEAD…do what must be done…oh how naïve I can sometimes be…not realizing what was coming. Perhaps that is best…because although the lancing was painful…the squeezing of the boil…brought the most excruciating physical pain that I had experienced since childbirth…and I tried not to cry…I put my fist in my mouth…but the screams in my throat sometimes escaped…and the tears would not be restrained…oh how pain filled it was…to have that pus removed…and the doctor was kind and apologetic…but said it must be done.

WELL THEY SENT ME AWAY…with kind words and another round of medicine...with instruction to return to them in a matter of time. When I returned the doctor said…he would have to squeeze the wound again…and as the memory of the pain was so fresh…the tears rolled down my face before he even touched the wound. And yes it was painful again…but it was necessary…and they packed it with medicated gauzed and I left…with the instruction to complete the round of antibiotics then return…and I did as they said…and when I returned….he said they’d done all they could do…now it just needed to be kept clean…and given time to heal.

SO WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THIS TALK…of whiteheads, pimples and boils? The Lord reminded me of this…when I share so much of myself …and also why it’s difficult sometimes when I’ve thought I’ve already gone over this…but apparently it is because we live in an unclean world…infections and infectious diseases sometimes take over. And I wonder if I hadn’t dealt with the boil by getting help…from a professional…would the disease have spread…and maybe even spread to another?

AND WHAT I SEE FROM ALL THIS ANALOGY…is that no matter who we are…and no matter how clean we seem…that if we are infected and the infection is as hard as a rock…and the poison hurts or not…but is only avoided or covered up…it might go away on it’s own…or perhaps hurt someone else…so if there’s hardness that needs a squeezing…perhaps the Lord is leading…to get professional help…or to just hug each other more often…squeezing our love to each other…and if pus comes out…don’t be put off too much…just remind them that although…it might hurt right now…it must be done…and while we are sorry for sure…it is kinder to love and it is best to get the inside cleaned out…and then give the wound time for healing.

AND I’M REMINDED ONCE AGAIN OF JESUS’ WALK ON EARTH …He exposed the pride filled, self-righteous and sinful hearts of the Pharisee’s…who looked clean on the outside…but what was on the inside…was poisonous, hateful…a hardness of heart…and they belittled or debated or argued with Him…and then demanded that He be crucified. And yes, although this was necessary to cover our sin…I wonder if we’d only obeyed from the start…and had only Fear of God…and not the fear of man…would that still have had to happen?

Unable to remember...but I begin again...

I wish I could remember and capture the wonder filled prose

or is it only sing song in my head that I should call this I suppose

but I’ve lost it already although it came out oh so well

as I woke from my nap but now I must drive away

so I try to now capture something else in my head

but it doesn’t seem possible and it isn’t what I had

so I must just let it go

even though it was so lovely oh

and I wanted to share it with

those who like to hear me speak the truth

and the truth that it was

and the truth it still is

is that no matter what’s going on

I hope that you’re always His

there are so many lies

that would try to dispel

all the love that He has for us

but I know now so well

that to believe the lie

and to do what the lie says

only brings so much pain

but when I do what the still voice says…

then there is life…there is peace

there is hope there is joy

then there is life…there is peace

there is hope there is joy

oh yes this I repeat and repeat

because the solution to life

is not in all that I say or do

it’s for me to do as He would do

and in doing my all

for the Lord of my life

whether writing or resting or driving or living

whether singing or knitting or sitting or walking

or running or sunning or moving or dancing…

it is that I do this…

what the Father tells me to

and when I can’t hear His voice

it's because I'm full of myself.

Oh the problem...

Oh the problem of loving so

despite all the long suffering pain

oh the challenge of loving those

who are distant and disdained...

Oh the joy of believing in the love of the Lord

and not only receiving a titch of the sword

but the problem of loving those

has revealed itself so...

There’s the problem of loving myself

who would have it just so

but I find as I love those and myself

that there's reception at times...

And the problems just disappear in a matter of time

but the problems appear again

as I expect more of myself and of them ...

And the problem of loving I soon realize

is no problem at all unless by my eyes

for the solution to loving is from the Lord of all

and the joy of just loving as is, is best of all...

And the desire to have something else

is really not love at all

but the problem of me

is that while I can so easily see

that I can love anybody...

but when the love is not returned

I question my worth

and while my worth is not in question

since I was made by God in heaven

it’s a problem with a solution

and the solution is to love the only One

who created me in my mothers womb

and who has all my days planned

so in going to the Father

I can be loved as I am

so I see there’s no problem.

He assures me of this

As I love as well as I’m able

His grace covers all my inadequacy.

Well the wonder of knowing why I love so many so

oh the joy of learning that it’s ok and that His way is best

and even though I feel some shame

at least my shame is not in life long pain

of shaming myself to those who would use me

but the shame is more in choosing to teach me

the shame is not shame at all…

but this is the word I know

to explain blood that rushes to my face

and the tears that fall down my face

so the longings that are so real

is not really for any one man

except the man of the Lord

in the person of Jesus Christ.

In the answer to the quote that I read this morning from a woman who learned to write in her later years of life…after losing her husband after many lovely years of love…she said “there’s nothing wrong with me that having a man in love with me wouldn’t cure”

And it’s good and so blessed to know who that man is that is in love with me…is the man of the Father, the man of Himself, the God man is Jesus Christ that loves me just as I am.

Is it proper to love a man…is it proper to show…is it proper to speak of love …with all whom I feel it so?

These are questions I ask myself as I ponder and sometimes weep…but I also do take the risk…yes I also do say the truth…and trust the Lord to show the man…who I am behind all the pain and smiles…and weight…and maybe even on this earth…there might be a man who would see my worth…and the Father would tell Him to marry me…and love me just as I am…the heart of this woman is full to the max…but is willing to take more in…and would like to share what she has…but I’d rather stay single than to be with the wrong man…cause I’ve already tried that too many times…in my own conniving rhyme.

So who knows as I live my life…where this precious man of god…might just see me and hear from God…"No, she’s not perfect but she’s worth your love…she’ll respect you and love you and give all she can…and again…she’s not perfect…but she’s part of my plan…my plan to encourage you and send you out to serve…all of those who are waiting for your obedience to me."