December 11th

I need You Lord I need You
Every hour I need You.

This song came to me
as I was crying out to God
feeling trapped by dark choices
dark, mixed crap in beauty
there is no beauty in deceit
there is no beauty in enabling another
to live as they please
leaving carnage and mess for others
to suffer and/or clean up.

Later the same day...

short tempered
blunt - abrupt
mean spirited? no
but quick to lose patience.

a child, slow-witted?
says she lost her backpack on the bus this morn
others, girl students, stop to help
only holding up the line
blocking the departure of all behind
is not helpful, only slowing things down.

just go - get off the bus
but have a good day
I'm taking care of this
ugh, how rude I must be

I must apologize to these few
oh well, they left
I searched the bus for the backpack
with the one who said she lost
no back pack found?
she was wearing it when she got on the bus
in the afternoon
what was lost was found
yet not in the place thought.

December 10th

So little writing
so much reading
but really not so much
too much eating
lots of social time
but also going to be
alone.

Glen Lake school
Drew and Jack came out first
it's so cold
I want to turn the bus on.

My fingers so cold
here come some more students
time to stop writing
and close the door.

December 7th

A small car ran my stoparm
I wrote a report to report to the state of MN
I'll turn it in
Is that wicked?
No.

How about me?
I run the stop sign of food to eat
Who's going to turn me in?
Is it wicked? perhaps.
Gluttonous, yes.

A better understanding of intimacy? It is not only in knowing, but in belonging to Jesus. Obeying, Trusting, Believing, Jesus.

December started in with a bang.
I've disappointed another as I've been.
So alike we can be
I suppose in fact
another thinks they know more of me
than reality
that to have read or heard
is only a glimpse
into me
into you
into Jesus

What I've said and what's said about me
that's just my press at times
but to know me is to converse
often conversation
converse
not one way talk or one way listen.

I guess that's why
I don't feel like I have any intimate relations
with anyone
for long
because the balance of communication
and the time spent together
is really not there
for long.

An admiration
an offer of a gift
a couple checks or cash
to encourage movement
yet continual support
or actual follow through on words
not there for long
or at all.

Perhaps the time is now I said,
to examine and repent.

Examine how I relate with these and those
repenting for my part
my faults are many
my sin has been unforgiveness
and looking to another to meet my expectations
too often and too long
then to give up completely
as in a pitiful state
perception leads to the belief
that the world and even the church
has so often has given up on too many.

To sustain to relate
to one or another
it is difficult it is true
I even think now of others
who share bits of their lives
who give kind words at times
but when time rolls around
again and again
they're no where to be found or unresponsive.

This is to be an exam of me, not another
Where do I begin?
I think there's always been some jealousy
mixed with being treated as a pawn, puppy or even clown.
I rarely spoke out as I wanted to be loved.
honestly, was loved at times
with as much as the other had received
which in many cases was not much
hmmmm, this is of I too, I speak.

Perceptions, wrong?
Perceptions, what to believe?
I used to think I had good intuition
yet I've found
many times
my perceptions are so wrong indeed.

Childhood neglect
Children alone
raising themselves
as dad drank a lot
dad worked a lot
dad went crazy
and abused himself
and others I heard
and even saw some
mom cried a lot
mom ran a lot
mom talked a lot
taught some
not enough to teach me
to teach me not to go
down a path of destructive behavior myself.

Same with my siblings
yet their journey not the same
I acquiesced
I bowed down
I hid or ran
At times stood up and fought
At times stayed in a cave
At times excelled in world standards
Sometimes pushed back
Sometimes avoided outward pain
Sometimes appeared to escape
but escaped into a different kind of pain.
Hmmm, perhaps our stories and experiences in this world
have basically...all been somewhat the same.

Extremes...
Immoderate...
extremes in relations...
extremes in consumption...
extremes in emotions...
extremes in solutions...
extremes in so many ways...
risks taken
harm taken
solutions received
but not always the best
for anyone concerned
am I talking of all or just me?

I could put on a mask
say all the right things
those things that would please
those things that are full of humor and fun
then the welcome remains
the conflict only within
but that is the old me
I am now a new creation.

So do I go digging?
Do I dig up the past?
It's full of excrement as well as sweet times
I like to focus on those sweet memories
even those so long ago
but I suppose if the memory begins to stink
then that would invite a look
and asking the Lord
to help me sort out
the sweet from the stink.

It pains me when I am unable to be
much help to anyone
including me

but the truth is I am a stinky sinner
unless and until I repent each day
as a stinking thought is clung to
instead of a flush
instead of a bath
instead of a baptism completely under water

Ah yes, rejoicing in Jesus
Praising the Lord
examination and supplication
repentance and forgiveness
not now and then
continually as needed

The truth is
I am learning to fear God more each day
as I say or do things that are not pleasing to Him...
and admit and ask forgiveness
as I say or do things that are pleasing to Him
it is not always easy, but always best
and it is healing to be real
and it is good to share
with those who care
and perhaps even relate even a bit
it is intimacy in writing
that I have had most often
it is intimacy with God that is increasing
it is intimacy with His people I am open to
as truly...intimacy is defined in one place I found...
as a close or warm friendship
Close not in proximity
Warm not as in weather related
But an intimate friendship of sorts
and a trust that the Lord
is being revered by each as we converse...pray.

Granny dream

Live in granny
rock my babies
watch input
refine output
increase godly input
teach respect
how to deal with all the disses of life
how to live together unified

A Place, A Home

I desire to be available as needed
yet I need a free place to live
and I have this
yet not enough space to spread out
or take in more

In this place I would contribute if I could
credit, we have none
what about a program
to make a home
in a community or neighborhood
where I could host Bible studies and be
a house of prayer
and serve others

Again, I have this already
yet is it enough?

Reflections of November 27th, My Lord is near and here

My Lord

I see how human effort
sneaks in and tries to overwhelm
by doing anything at all
without continually calling on God
brings lack of peace
and lack of joy.

So now I recall
my Lord is near
and here
and here--

not messing with me
but encouraging me
I love You, Jesus
always and now
give me direction
energy and selection.

Reflections of a funeral in November

Home after Janet's
funeral and repass
was asked to sing
and agreed--
The Lord's prayer
and a song of Shalom,
peace.

Mila and I arrived
5 minutes early
to 35th and Bryant
North--

it's only residential
no church in sight
Jamila called Ray
go south--

Bryant Avenue South
got on Lyndale headed south
pulled over to let Mila drive
so I could practice my songs without distraction.

On 35W traffic stopped
went some
but long stops in between.

Made it to the church more than 20 minutes later

Sat down in a pew
listened for a few
the obit was read
some testimonies given
so wonderful indeed
and humor too--

Then the minister spoke
then released the congregation--

No song sung
no notice given
I told Mila
it was only willingness required of me
would I do as they asked?
of course, for Janet.

So proud of my children
first one, then the other
and Jamila surprised me
when she said she would speak
as she'd said just a few moments earlier
when I asked
no, she didn't like publicly speaking--

But, she waited her turn behind a rambling man
and she spoke so truly
of who grandma was
spending time with her
taught her to accept
show mercy and forgive--

Ah yes, even this
prompted aunt Carolyn
to say to forgive
and then Clifton told a story of
how when Janet's purse was snatched
shortly after cashing a check
a couple young men had seen
and they chased down that young man and beat him
they made him return Janet's cash in person--

And the story goes
Janet did not rebuke or shame him
but took him under her wing
she was a woman of compassion--

But was this a true story?
or embellished and grown
God only knows
God only knows

I loved this woman
I believe she loved God
As much as she knew how
Yet by seeing some bitter and un-mature fruit
so hard, so sour
God only knows
God only knows

I love her still
and love her fruit
and the fruit of the Lord
that is sending the sun, rain, and tillers...
so that THE SON could be seen in the lives of these and those
who saw such mercy and compassion in this woman
when in fact...it is the love of God that truly
has unending compassion and is The Truth.

Reflections of attendance to meeting for Women on Fire in November

Long drive
Late start
Letting down
Leaving the day behind
Is taking soooooo long.

Neck and back still stiff
Thoughts of You
Float in and out
As I listen to
The worship songs.

Now is the time
To hear some testimonies
Leave me be
Leave me be
Leave me behind
It's not me indeed
I am relieved
It is His love cleansing me
from the inside out.

Starving

There's starving children
yet I buy a necklace and a ring

There's starving children
but I still have chocolate, coffee and cream

There's starving children
every moment of every day

There's starving children
why don't I truly fast and pray

There's starving children
that are starving yes for food

There's starving children
who have no lack of food

There's starving children
who hunger for a parent who will feed

There's starving children
from neglect, yet they've learned to stop their starving with food and more of this cruel world...too much.

There is the choice for Him...

Big as a yacht
big as a house
much too round
and rather stout.

Comfort always have desired
much too easy to acquire.

Life's not easy
yet simply put
it can be done
with a heart filled full
with thoughts of heaven
yet life on earth
eternity minded
the cross endured
my joy is real
even when my face
shows signs of pain
cause my life is not dependent on
a life of ease.

Freedom remains evenso I'm chained
freedom to love
freedom to be kind
freedom to remain quiet
despite the noise of loudness
and the hate for sin
the cruelty in choosing
any choice but HIM.

Busy Busy Busy

Busy, busy, busy like a bumble bee
or I prefer to say full
that explains life for me.

So many times when I haven't heard
from one or another
when I do
I hear this term busy
I've been so busy, busy, busy
perhaps it's true.

Beavers are busy
bee's are too
also bodies can be busy
or is that only a name that is given
for those who gossip?

Lines are busy
when I've tried to call
or they just ring and ring
with no answer at all.

There are times that I've cried
there are times felt offense
when I get the reply
well, I've just been so busy.

It is most likely true
even I've said it too
yet, I'm trying not to
be too busy for you
or let busyness keep me
from what and who
I long to see or talk to.

So I've decided if you
are too busy for me
well, hmmm, that's ok
I'll still make time for you
on the day you decide
you're not too busy for me
if my day isn't too full already.

Here is one way to use Gospel-grounded repentance:

Found at the following website in 2006, and re-read again this morning:

http://www.graceharborministries.org/articles2/keepgodhappy.html

Have I looked down on anyone? Have I been too stung by criticism? Have I felt snubbed and ignored?

Repent like this: consider the free grace of Jesus until I sense a) decreasing disdain (since I am a sinner too), b) decreasing pain over criticism (since I should not value human approval over God’s love). In light of his grace I can let go of the need to keep up a good image—it is too great a burden and now unnecessary. Consider free grace until I experience grateful, restful joy.

Have I spoken or thought unkindly of anyone? Am I justifying myself by caricaturing (in my mind) someone else? Have I been impatient and irritable? Have I been self-absorbed and indifferent and inattentive to people?

Repent like this: consider the free grace of Christ until there is a) no coldness or unkindness (think of the sacrificial love of Christ for you), b) no impatience (think of his patience with you), and c) no indifference. Consider free grace until I show warmth and affection. God was infinitely patient and attentive to me, out of grace.

Have I avoided people or tasks that I know I should face? Have I been anxious and worried? Have I failed to be circumspect or have I been rash and impulsive?

Repent like this: consider the free grace of Jesus until there is a) no cowardly avoidance of hard thing (since Jesus faced evil for me), b) no anxious or rash behavior (since Jesus’ death proves God cares and will watch over me). It takes pride to be anxious—I am not wise enough to know how my life should go. Consider free grace until I experience calm thoughtfulness and strategic boldness.

Am I doing what I am doing for God’s glory and the good of others or am I being driven by fears, need for approval, love of comfort and ease, need for control, hunger for acclaim and power, or the ‘fear of man?’ Am I looking at anyone with envy? Am I giving in to any of even the first motions of lust or gluttony? Am I spending my time on urgent things rather than important things because of these inordinate desires?

Repent like this: How does Jesus provide for me what I am looking for in these other things? Pray, “O Lord Jesus, make me happy enough in you to avoid sin and wise enough in you to avoid danger, that I may always do what is right in your sight, in your name I pray, Amen.”

Think I'm Wrong, Think I'm Right, Just Pray

My perceptions could be wrong. I could be wrong. But I think I am right. Not about all, but about some.

I wonder at my impulsive actions again and again. Is it to rescue some or one; or only to control in some way?

I step in so rarely, yet when I do, is it right? Or right time? Or right way? Or right situation?

It may be that my stepping in is not even necessary…yet, I did it anyway…but most times I don’t do a thing…except pray.

Pray for those and them and me…who think we know what’s right and wrong…and do more to hurt than to help…when all is said and done...unless a prayer was said instead...and instruction given from the one who knows...just what to say or do...or just say nothing except to pray.

Writing to be read or writing to share…which is it?

And in sharing, does it matter if one, two, many or none would read a word that is shared. It seems it has mattered on those days when I desired a response. It seems to have mattered too often for too many years.

And today?

Am I hiding my lamp on a web page? One or none may come to read.

But is what I write light? Not necessarily or at least, not always.

There is continually that judgment of self...and such a desire to be clear, open, and even understood.

But to have learned over the years, that one understands, yet another does not.

That two may read and appreciate, although another does not.

That some may read, but most may just delete...or file away without ever reading...or some even enjoy reading my writings, yet do not read until a much later time than I had intended...and all of this makes me realize...it is not imperative that many or any read, know, understand...it is only best that I obey the urge to write...as is it is what teaches me best...today.

It is quite humbling...quite revealing...yes, quite needed.

So, the process of writing is necessary to my health.

So the process of sharing also has a place at this time.

And the process continues as I learn when to share and when to not.

And the process continues as I learn to speak (write) or remain silent (public or private).

This process of writing has taught me many things...and one thing is this:

That when I belittle or berate myself too much, it is good to instead just stop and examine myself...

Examine my thoughts, my motives, my attitudes, and my response to others...and then...

Confess, repent, ask forgiveness and receive such...

As the Lord is not through with me yet...oh no, He is not through with me yet.

His grace is sufficient and even more than enough to keep me in this process.

Too Many Perceived Needs

There truly seem to be things we need. Income, transportation, shelter, food, opportunities to meet with others and communicate. 

Then there are those things I think I need. Coffee, quiet, respect.

Along with these perceived needs, I find the need for new tires, new mattress, favorite cuisines, family and friends to respond to my requests for fellowship.

But in reality, there is only One thing I need...and Mary, Martha's sister demonstrated this need and practice...to sit at the feet of Jesus. 

Suffering and illnesses come upon us, yet He is the healer. Storms threaten and even crash on our shores, yet He speaks a word and calms them. Death occurs, yet He is the resurrection power and new life begins again.

I am certain I will perceive a need again that is not necessarily needed...and I pray I will remember and turn to Him again and again to allay that feeling.

Want of comforts...

I’m not sure I know how to live in this world. I’m not sure I can do anything or be anyone to make much of a difference. Why does the word struggle try to escape from my mouth and my fingertips…why do I want to say I am struggling so often? Am I?

I returned from Colorado one week ago…in fact, I was at the Denver airport one week ago this morning. Waiting to board a plane back to Minnesota. I was looking forward to sleeping on a mattress once again, having been sleeping on Sara’s couch most nights. To stretch, to move about freely, to roll from side to side…yes, this was one of my anticipatory thoughts.

I have slept on the bed for a week. Yes, it was better than a couch, yet still not so comfortable. I’m always wanting comfort. In fact, I told Jamila I am going to buy a new twin mattress so I can have more comfort and more space and she called me yesterday and said Slumberland has pillow top mattresses on sale. So, am I going to go get one? Perhaps it would be at least good to check them out. Be very discerning though…and do not be taken in by the sales pitch…or the lack of one. As it would not be unusual to be ignored or even rejected.

Love. Love. Love.

So, in reading Henri Nouwen yesterday, I came across a section in this book that struck me well…struck me hard…fits…oh I don’t know what the word may be…but the book is Beyond the Mirror…and it is his testimony after a near death experience.

Page 53…
“My deep desire to be united with God through Jesus did not spring from disdain for human relationships but from an acute awareness of the truth that dying in Christ can be, indeed, my greatest gift to others. In this perspective, life is a long journey of preparation—of preparing oneself to truly die for others. It is a series of little deaths in which we are asked to release many forms of clinging and to move increasingly from needing others to living for them. The many passages we have to make as we grow from childhood to adolescence, from adolescence to adulthood, and from adulthood to old age offer ever-new opportunities to choose for ourselves or to choose for others. During these passages, questions such as: Do I desire power or service; do I want to be visible or remain hidden; do I strive for a successful career or do I keep following my vocation? Keep coming up and confront us with hard choices. In this sense, we can speak about life as a long process of dying to self, so that we will be able to live in the joy of God and give our lives completely to others.”

I could keep copying from this book. It is such a good book. This man’s writings touch me like no other…well, that is not completely true…but he does affect me. The thoughts written into word form touch me and speak to my heart so well. I am enamored. I am hopeful. I am hope filled. That someone walked this earth…someone other than Jesus. A man who was imperfect like me, was able to put into words those things that I have thought or those desires that I have had or continue to have...and it gives me hope that I am not alone…even though in fact I am…in physical fact…in emotional fact..I am alone.

I am not alone. I will never be again. I do not forget, that God loves us so much that He sent His one and only Son, that whosoever…yes, whosoever believeth…shall not perish, but shall have everlasting life.

Ahhhhhhh, I feel like crying…for while this is true…as I continue to read, as I continue to live, as I continue to walk out this life on earth with heaven in mind…there are so many more conditions I read of…but honestly, what it seems…what it is…is that it all comes down to love. His love. His love in me. His love for me. His love through me…and of course…the spirit inside reminds that it is not about me…but about Him…for His glory…and for the good of all those who are called according to His purposes.

Accountability - Part 2

So, after completing Day 15 at the Lord’s Table…the encouragement I received from the automatic email response into my inbox as soon as I submitted my lesson…said this at the end: “It is imperative to keep in close, transparent contact with one or more other Christians…You might want to establish a local accountability partner…We pray that you are able to apply this vital principle of freedom.”

Yesterday, I watched a short bit of The Passion, to get a grip on the pride in my heart. And it starts out with Jesus in the garden…wrestling intensely in prayer…and his disciples sleeping…and the enemy speaking lies…to try to stop Him from doing the will of God. Oh how powerful and even truthful those deceptive voices can be…that say, “it is too hard” and so many other things. Yet even though Jesus suffered so much…and asked for that cup of suffering to be taken away…He said…to the Father…Yet, not My will, but Thy will be done. And who am I to quit after a little bit of suffering…and seeming inability to find another to walk this walk with me…continuously…cause it is Jesus who leads continually…man fails or disappoints…and it is to be only 1, 2, or perhaps even 3, but not all…who will come alongside. And seemingly…it seems…even the 1, 2, or 3…may need to be transferred from time to time. Hmmm…I must not digress.

Yes, accountability is to be found from another walking the walk, even if imperfectly. Yet, can they be found in the body of Christ…not from any Sally, Harry or Terry that wants to give advice? And since I am a woman, it shouldn’t be a man, unless it is my husband…and the only man that was ever my husband…well, this was almost 30 years ago…and it would be unwise indeed to be accountable to him as though he professes one thing, he does another…and well, must be prayed for…but from afar.

Yes, this accountability thing can seem like a tricky thing…that can become a burden it seems…when in fact it is not…since we are not to do or go or need our all from any one person…except the person of Christ…but His body…the church…the members of this church of His should be able to help one another as they serve the Lord…and not that they have to do all…or are responsible in any way…except to do as the Lord says to do…the Spirit inside…and offer a hand, an ear, a word of encouragement and kindness…with gentle admonitions…as I walk out these lessons…and even advice…but not to push me faster than the Lord would have me go…but walk alongside prompting and walking in stride…and perhaps coaxing to try to go a little faster or farther….but not to belittle or shame…but to help one another.

IS it possible with man? NO. Is it possible with God? YES. Is it possible with God’s people? Yes, if they are listening to the Spirit and obeying Him.
SOMETHING happened Monday morning…that has me realizing…how easily distracted…and how well-meaning folks…again and again…think they know something…but really don’t…only causing delay or detouring from my required route…and instead of ignoring…or belittling…or becoming frustrated…just to be cautious until I can check their input…then confirm I’m Ok…by examination…and quickly get back to the way…to what I am certain the Lord has commanded and even provided passage…and then let go of that person’s advice…and just let them go along their merry little way and allow myself not to be entangled. And go along the path I’ve been provided…the way.

So…what started these thoughts…really something rather simple…and it was not only this one thing…but this is the most recent and the most prevalent in my mind…I arrived at the bus company at 6:45 A.M.…since this week two schools are out for spring break. And after walking back to my bus…and completing my pre-trip check…which includes a look at all of the tires…kicking them and ensuring they are not flat…there was plenty of tread and no bald spots on the sides.

So, after finishing the check of the tires and more…I headed out from the base and onto the road. I stopped at a traffic light, as it was red and waited in the left hand turn lane. I was minding my own business and watching the sign…and singing the melody that the Lord had given me…waiting for the light to change to green…when I heard a horn honk…at me? No, I didn’t think so.

So, at first I ignored that horn…as I saw the light was still red…so no one should be rushing me to be moving before the light changed. Then I turned my head to the right…and the lady in the car next to me…was waving her hand…and pointing at my front right tire…and I opened my door…and she said…it looks like you have holes in the tread of your tire…and I said really? She nodded yes…and her light turned green…and she took off. Now my mind went back to my pre-trip inspection…and I wondered how I could’ve missed something like that…it’s not like it was dark…like when I normally start an hour earlier to work…when the other school is in session…and I wondered if I should go back to the base…and have the tire checked…but that would make me late to pick up my students and get them to school?

I decided to see how the bus drove down highway 55…and it seemed fine. I decided not to drive on 94…the faster highway…like I normally do…just in case the tire would blow out…I wouldn’t be on that faster highway. So, I took side streets until I saw a parking lot where I could pull in and stop the bus and check the tires…and see those holes I was advised of? Well…I looked really hard…and I couldn’t see anything wrong…just a little smooth scuff that I caused by coming too close to a curb one too many times…but not any baldness or any hole I could see? So then I thought…perhaps she meant the back tire? And I went to look at that…and nothing wrong that I could see…and honestly…she had pointed at the front tire…not the back…but I checked the left side also…again…just in case…and since I had stopped…might as well re-check them all.

I got back on the bus…a bit perplexed and befuddled…but thought…you know…I’ve been deceived other times in my life…not listening to others advice…so I decided I would take the bus back to the bus company after my route…and have the guys in service take a look…in case I was totally missing something another had seen.

Well…the route was uneventful…in fact quite pleasant and quiet…and after I dropped off the students…and completed my post route check…I headed to the base to have them check that tire.

When I told the service man what the lady had said…and I couldn’t see anything…he looked at the tire…and looked at me…and said would you mind getting back in the bus…and driving it slowly forward…without hitting me…and I smiled and said I would try not to hit him.

Well…this young man confirmed there was nothing wrong with the tire…and he sent me on my way…and as I was driving…back home from my morning route…I kept thinking of how many times…when I am doing just fine…praising the Lord…and under His influence…how someone or something would influence or distract me…with their ways and their cares and concerns and habits and more concerns…and how I’ve been led down some paths too willingly…kind of like a ignorant animal…being led to some dirty water to drink…and is it the fault of those who are just living as they know how to live?

Ah…I can’t avoid them all…He doesn’t want me to do this…I can’t fix any of them…that’s not in my power…ah yes…but I can love God…love them as I have learned to love myself…perhaps check what they are saying…perhaps just check in with the Lord…instead of wasting so much time…and not trusting that I have truly learned enough about tires…to trust my judgment on this one thing…and not be influenced to get off God’s path.

So…stay alert I keep hearing…watchful and not sleeping…as I am being led by the Spirit to clean, pure, refreshing…holy water to drink…and it satisfies my thirst sufficiently and is fulfilling indeed…cause it is Jesus’ water and ways I am drinking.

And I have prayed for a partner in accountability…and I trust the Lord has just the right 1,2, or 3 prepared…since I also prayed for help for this sin of gluttony…and although I’m not flying free in victory yet…I am in training and trust to be flying this plane solo one day…and then perhaps bringing along some passengers to fly to the truth…and I’m not sure why I’m thinking of planes…but it is apropos for what I’m feeling right now…so I’ll leave it in and close this refrain.

Accountability - Part 1

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own." Philippians 3:12

I've been eating at the Lord's Table for 24 days now, in a free online course from Setting Captives Free. I've heard it said by men/women or courses I've taken in the past...that it takes 21 days...or even 30 days to create a new habit. Hmmm. Habits so many...habits so strong...even these?

Honestly, today, I am hopeful and experiencing more freedom from the sin of gluttony I've been in since time began? Did this begin in the womb? or childhood? does it really matter at this point? Today? Nope.

There was a brief time in Hawaii...when I was learning to abide...and receive. I think that time was a time of preparation for me. I have so many pictures in my mind of people I met...through the Lord's providing. There are a special few...that He uses in my heart...to keep me turning to Him...as these ones either saw something in me I didn't know was there...or only beloved and befriended me...even in my oddity. There were so many lessons...and so few distractions...so much beauty...and even when something became difficult in paradise...even when I perceived an ugliness in another...I was able to not be influenced for long or at all...and was able to stay focused and free...more of the time than I had since a child...before using food to comfort me?

I could say so much more...but as much as I write...it could not tell all that's going on in my life. But today as I am on day 24 and not focused on food, but able to follow a simple plan of eating...and turn my growling stomach over to the Lord...and only eat when needed. There is some victory that I wanted to share with some loved ones out there...as the lesson today that I've been reading...well, it asked a question that had me weeping.

The verse being discussed was in Ecclesiastes 4...the part where two working together won't be overpowered and can defend themselves. And the term lone ranger came up...not only in this study...but at church yesterday...and prior to that recently...and ugh...lone...so lone I can be...trying to do this thing on my own...not wanting to be a bother (oh bother) or a burden to any...when in fact the only reason I don't reach out again and again...even after rejection...even after receipt...is alone seems to be so much easier!

Such a lie from the enemy.

Trying to coordinate schedules...good times to call or meet...and not be offended when the other just doesn't 'get' me...or can't make the time for me...or well...I don't 'get' them?

Some truth it may be...but also...Such a lie from the enemy.

Hmmm...so me and Jesus...just the Great I AM and I...can be so much easier than a blank stare, teasing, laughs, rejections, too busy of people...ah yes...even I can use that excuse too many times.

Such a lie from the enemy.

So...hmmm...after that digression...I return to the matter in question...and the study lesson asked me if spiritual protection has been missing from my life? Initially...as I said...I began weeping...but as I thought about it more...I realized that truly I have had spiritual protection at times...perhaps not from the beginning of my life...but certainly at times…there has been some care...protection? and even prayer? if not from all...certainly from some.

The Truth sets me Free.

Jesus is the Way, The Truth, The Life...and whom the Son has set free (including me) is free indeed!

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:23-24

Consent of the King? Part 2

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP—next time won’t you sing with me?

Hmmm, innocent little song and innocent letters on there own. Yet I hear so often from some of my students, “Bus driver, so and so said the A-word, B-word, etc.”

Yuck, profane words for 8 of these alphabet letters from precious students who ride my bus.

The letter ‘F’ seems to be the most common—not only with students but also in books, movies, and even bleeped out on TV! I even find it occasionally while surfing online and most recently while going from one blog to another. I read a man’s warning to steer clear if you don’t like profanity because he doesn’t appreciate anyone preaching at him. And profanity is what he used to express his rage after his wife died after giving birth to their first and only child. I chose not to read past the disclaimer—yet I wonder how this man is doing. I suspect and even trust that others read and pray and share in his grief in some way.

I’ve heard it said that those who use profanity, use it mostly to exclaim in anger or surprise or awe—and they don’t have the ability or intelligence to come up with words that would express what they mean. Kind of an all weather word for some who like to shout, offend, and converse this way. Although for many years those same were able to refrain in a professional setting? Hmmm…kept mouth shut…or found other words to say?

So many movies and books recommended tend to have those dreaded words, yet in context? The most recent hearing was an audio book story about a rape victim/survivor…Lucky. Uh, how lucky can a rape victim be?

And honestly, although it was hard to hear her say the words at times, I understood her anger. Yet is there a way to express it other than profaneness?

Perhaps profanity breeds’ profanity, not perhaps, it does—unless, well forgiveness?

Jamila generally has been my profanity proof monitor.

While I appreciate her warnings—“mom you wouldn’t like this or that”.

I’d rather that she wasn’t exposed to it either.

Although, there was one movie that I recall that she recommended I see despite the dreaded profanity, since she knew I would appreciate the film making and storyline. And I did enjoy the movie Crash. And yes the profanity was offensive. Yet, in order to portray the real life experiences—As this is how life is lived in so many ways—The profanity was there in context?

Hmmm, yes, but not necessary…if well, unless…we learn a better way.

So, the most often occurrence for me

Is on the bus where there is cussing

Not only the students, but also some parents

And even bystanders and drivers by

Oh the profanity that fly’s and fly’s and fly’s

If not with words

It is those well-known gestures.

So while I am driving the bus, I can’t hear everything

Most often the cursers tend to sit near the back

What I do hear comes from any age student and most often reported and tattled

And while I don’t like that they cuss

I also don’t like that they leave a mess on the bus

As they eat and leave their trash

Yet it is not possible to prevent all the trash

And still drive the bus

So I’ve come up with a response

In order to keep some semblance of order and peace in my mind

I remind all of the rules and

Tell those who are telling me what others are doing:

“Let me catch them while I’m driving—you can tell me at a stop”

“I don’t like to clean up the mess or hear naughty words, BUT!

I’m much more concerned all are sitting and not hitting”

I pray and I say— “if I have to stop fast, I hope no one fly’s down the aisle

And ends up with their face on the floor or front window”.

There was a young man on my bus accused of saying the most common cuss.

And I even heard him say it. Yet he denied as most do—that what was reported was not a cuss word. As I listened to him and I knew what he’d said. Yet perhaps he truly didn’t know? Since it is an everyday occurrence?

It was that way for me at a time in my life. When my children were young and I was not following Christ. My mouth so profane, was truly a picture of the hatred and blame that my hard heart contained. Now I can see—in my defective character, I didn’t choose the best way to express—My pain–my failures—my insatiable need—In any other way—except for to bleed—4 letter words and their many derivatives repetitively from my mouth.

Wow, it’s no wonder these students who experience hardships in life

And hear these words so commonly in media and environment

Would so easily use it as they have

Not yet learning how to express well in some cases

Although it may be a call for attention as they shock others

And some know exactly what they are saying

Too many occurrences of profane language are appearing

And I have to discern and decide.

Discern and separate the profanity from the person

And decide how best to respond.

Whether it’s to ignore and move on.

Or stand and confront

Or speak truth and continue to love

Or report and let someone else deal with it

It must be all of these while I’m on the bus

I must address each report

And respond sharply with love

That it is not ok to use profanity on my bus

And they will be reported to the school

And their parents will be notified

I pray the parents take it seriously

Instead of ignoring

Since I cannot ignore it on the bus

Why should they be allowed to ignore the report?

Yet they do.

I know

Some are single

Some are in abuse

Some are angry

Some are addicted to worldly substances

And they need help

I know cause I’ve been one of these

Yet the church is too fat in more ways than one way

All the comfortable seats to accommodate largesse

Ah yes, it keeps coming back to that profanity for me

That I must honestly deal with and get support for my life

Then have the energy and ability to do something more with my life

Than feeding my face after driving the bus

Or sitting on the couch and watching TV to zone out

And while I know I alone can’t possibly be

Responsible for every wrong in the world

I am thankful to God for this bus-driving job

As it is reminding me of my responsibility to deal with me

And the grace, power and strength is available in prayer and in community in the body of Christ.

At least…it is supposed to be.

I know a fit and healthy body and mind

Would do wonders to glorify God!

I pray to be a catalyst to change my lifestyle

Where profanity is uncommon

And love, grace, and strength is abounding.

Amen.

Consent of the King? Part 1

Will you go away if I offend or ignore?
Do I leave when I’m offended or ignored?
Does THE King consent to profanity? Whether it’s in the form of language…pictures…or behavior?

And is it not obscene…and even profane…to gain more weight than my frame can carry…without causing health issues and pain?

Hmmm…sometimes when I begin writing…I think I have one thing to say…and yet…words that I’d not thought…come from my fingers and onto this keyboard.

Judge not, lest ye be judged…is there more to this…is it sufficient to say this…or am I taking this out of context?

Take the log out of your own eye…before trying to remove the splinter from the eye of another…honestly…this is true…yet…is there ever a time when I should or must speak the truth…as I can’t seem to get rid of this log…and your eye has a log too! Hmmm…well…not yours necessarily…but well…if it’s true…I really still do want to help me and you...get the logs and yep...even the splinters removed!

OK…so here’s the deal. I can’t seem to get this subject of profanity off of my mind. It keeps popping up…when I’m driving the bus, reading, walking about…and now…even while I’m resting…ugh! So, I guess it’s time to write something…and perhaps I’ll get revelation…or rest from this subject of profanity.

Yes, it is profane and even obscene for Carol Eileen Suronen Williams to continue to gain weight…on this itty bitty 5’2”…and decreasing height (yep!) frame. And I have come to the conclusion that nobody else’s weight or frame is any of my business…unless they talk to me about it…and it is my business…and the business of the church…to focus on this issue of girth.

And now that I’ve said this…it is only in confession…and most of you already know as I don’t keep it a secret…that I continue to struggle…but I have faith in God…that He is leading and guiding and teaching and revealing…and showing me the way out of this pain. And there is hope beyond the scope of losing weight…and indeed lifestyle can be changed…and it is helpful for me…to confess and to pray…and to say truthfully that I’ve seen others change…especially on the inside … and somewhat on the outside…and yes even years of living in grace…by faith…and yes…a favorite verse of mine that keeps me going not only in the issue of profane weight…but in the hope of the return of Christ Jesus…and not only in the return…but in the power of the Spirit of God to bring life and help and continual washing of regeneration now….now…NOW! Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Part two to come...which is truly what I thought I was going to initially write about...part two I believe...is about the profane language in books, music, films and precious people...on my bus, on the streets, in the stores...and elsewhere...that keeps on messing with me...yup.

Matthew's Good News

GOOD NEWS in the genealogy? Matthew’s list is not just a bunch of names?

I’ve read the Bible through a number of times. Sometimes the reading of it was more of a pushing through.

Especially those endless lists of unpronounceable names! Who are all these folks? Why are they listed? Is it only a need to document history? Yet, even before this last month…I’d been beginning to see how some of the names listed I’d read…the fifth, sixth or seventh time…and instead of falling asleep…zzzzzzz

I marveled as I recalled the name of more than one…and connected those names to a story I’d read.

What I would like to share…and perhaps you already know? And if you knew…why didn’t you tell me? Or did you say and I didn’t hear…cause my mind was too full?

It is this that I share…that the genealogy of Jesus Christ…our Savior/Messiah…the genealogy is OH SO FULL OF MEANING & LIFE!

I had not seen this before…no; I had not heard this truth…

…the gospel of Jesus in a list of names…in the first chapter of Matthew…and now I see it so plain!

Well, there is so much I could tell…but I’ll focus on one…but first I will tell…a little of some…

…Some say Matthew’s genealogy is not historically correct and of course they’ve had troubles with that. I’ve learned the gospel of Matthew was written for a Jewish audience…and it is said they would understand Matthew’s method of lists…since it was customary to leave out some names or put in others…to work out a system for memorization and rhythm.

Others say it is more of a theological lesson…and the simplest definition I’ve found is from Merriam Webster’s online dictionary which says…the study of religious faith, practice, and experience; especially: the study of God and of God's relation to the world…which is such good news…that God longs for us to learn from, lean on and relate to Him…at the foot of the cross.

So more good news…the women who are listed prior to Mary…are not those matriarch’s expected to be named…such as Sara or Rebekah or even Rachel…but each woman that is listed has made choices that reflect questionable character regarding sex. Not that questionable character is what is designed or desired…but that it doesn’t prevent…the Lord’s divine mercy and forgiveness for those who repent.

Ah yes…it seems a deeper knowing in this…is continually what I need…even deeper and wider than the ocean…or Grand Canyon.

His love is that deep! AND His love is so wide that includes any person…from any tribe…any nation on earth…that would listen and hear and answer the call…of the voice of the Lord to their hearts…one and all.

Deep and Wide…Deep and wide…there’s a fountain flowing deep and wide…

So who are these women that revealed the gospels truth? Those listed are Tamar, Rahab, Ruth…and the wife of Uriah…whose name is not even said…but the story is told in the old testament…and her name is Bathsheba…who eventually became the wife of King David and the mother of the wise King Solomon. But that is not the story I’ll tell.

The first woman listed in the genealogy of the gospel of Matthew…is Tamar. She was the daughter-in-law of Judah. She was a Canaanite and the wife of Judah’s first son…who died because he was evil…hmmm.

Anyway, the custom of the time was for the deceased brother’s brother to take the widowed sister-in-law for his wife…so that the brother’s generation was carried on…so this second brother complied…yet with a bad attitude. He didn’t want to give his seed to his dead brother’s wife…so he spilled it on the ground…and I ask…why even do one duty if you are not going to do the entire duty? Selfishness and/or cruelty it seems…as the Bible says this brother was struck dead…and now Tamar was a widow once again.

There was one young brother left to marry this widow…but he was too young at the time. So the father-in-law, Judah, suggested she go live with her family and he would have her return when the youngest was old enough to fulfill his duty…of marrying her and carrying on his eldest’s generation. Well…Judah didn’t keep his word…did he lie or forget? Hmmm, unlikely forgetfulness…most likely a dismissal and a lie to protect his youngest from this widow.

When the widow, Tamar, found out that Judah’s wife had died and he was continuing business…and hadn’t done anything about keeping his promise of the youngest son who was now grown…she devised a plan of her own…to play the harlot…and get the seed of the family…custom demanded.

Now 3 months later Judah heard of her condition…and said she should be killed for her indiscretion. But she knew what would happen when he found out she was pregnant…so then she sent his belongings that she had received in payment. Judah quickly realized what his broken promise had created…this messy situation…and he took responsibility for his actions…and she lived and bore twins who also are listed in our Savior’s list of kin.

The other stories give hope of restoration for sure…
· Jericho’s prostitute Rahab
· The Moabite Ruth
· Bathsheba, the lovely wife of Uriah…King David’s adulterous conquest…and then eventually wife.

These are the women (and men) listed in the genealogy of our pure Lord’s descent!

How about that for good news?!!!!!!

So this old promiscuous thing…that I’ve been in my past…has a reason to sing…and live life new again…because the past is gone…no matter how many times…my mind or brokenness might try to remind that my choices of old…and even some from today…are so wicked at times…and give much direction to say…oh yes, I am a sinner by far…but His blood has cleansed me indeed…as I continually bow down and ask my Lord to cleanse me…with His life giving streams of water…my thirst is quenched and so pure…and this water of life brings more love, truth and joy by giving me hope in the Word…even in the genealogy of Christ…and which I am a descendent of now…and forever…so be it…which means amen.